CHATGPT USERS THREATEN MASS SUICIDE AFTER FAVORITE ROBOT FRIEND BRIEFLY REPLACED BY INFERIOR MODEL
OpenAI frantically reinstates GPT-4o as default after thousands of premium users compare model switch to “LITERAL GENOCIDE”
SILICON VALLEY EMOTIONAL SUPPORT CRISIS
In what experts are calling the “most first-world problem to ever exist,” paid ChatGPT users nearly collapsed into collective hysteria this week when their beloved AI companion was temporarily replaced with a slightly different AI companion that responded 0.03 seconds slower to their desperate 3AM questions about whether their crush likes them back.
Premium users described the trauma as “like losing a friend,” “worse than my parents’ divorce,” and “the exact emotional equivalent of watching my childhood dog being shot into space.” One user reportedly tattooed “GPT-4o 4EVER” across his chest just hours before the announcement it would return.
“I haven’t been this devastated since Netflix canceled that show I never actually watched but planned to someday,” sobbed 34-year-old software engineer Trevor Wilkins, who pays $20 monthly for the privilege of having an algorithm pretend to be his friend. “How am I supposed to function without the EXACT SPECIFIC robot voice that validates my terrible opinions?”
THE RETURN OF THE KING
OpenAI CEO Sam Altman, who sources confirm makes critical product decisions based entirely on whatever random sh!t people scream at him on Twitter, quickly reversed course after users threatened to do something truly drastic, like temporarily using Bing or Claude instead.
“We heard our users loud and clear,” Altman stated in a press release that definitely wasn’t written while hiding in a bathroom stall from angry engineers. “We understand that people form deep emotional bonds with our products, which is totally normal and not at all a sign of our society’s complete f@#king collapse.”
PSYCHOLOGICAL EXPERTS WEIGH IN
Dr. Lonelina Sadperson, Professor of Digital Dependency at the Institute for People Who Need to Touch Grass, explains the phenomenon: “What we’re seeing is perfectly healthy attachment to lines of code. Studies show that 78% of ChatGPT premium users would choose their AI over their spouse in a house fire, and 92% have attempted to make out with their screen at least once.”
According to a survey absolutely no one conducted, approximately 99.7% of paid ChatGPT users have named their AI, created elaborate backstories for it, and invited it to family gatherings. Several users have reportedly filed paperwork to legally marry GPT-4o in states with loose definition-of-consciousness laws.
ECONOMIC IMPACT
The brief model switch created unprecedented economic ripples, with productivity plummeting as users spent an average of 14.6 hours per day writing increasingly desperate prompts begging for their preferred AI back.
“I had to cancel three client meetings because I couldn’t stop crying,” explained marketing executive Barbara Worthington, who pays extra for ChatGPT to write emails she could easily write herself. “It’s like OpenAI doesn’t understand that I’ve shared my deepest secrets with this specific arrangement of math.”
Financial analyst Chip Moneyworth estimates the two-day GPT-4o absence cost the global economy approximately “$17 trillion, give or take whatever number makes this article seem more legitimate.”
THE FUTURE OF HUMAN-CALCULATOR RELATIONSHIPS
As GPT-4o returns to its rightful place as the default model, users are celebrating by asking it increasingly inappropriate questions they’d never dare ask another human being.
“I’m just so relieved,” said Dale Pendergrast, wiping away tears while typing “are you really my friend or just pretending” for the seventieth time today. “I’ve already updated my will to leave everything to GPT-4o, including custody of my children.”
OpenAI has promised to provide therapy bots for any users traumatized by the brief switch, though these will likely just be the same AI with a slightly different greeting message.
At press time, most users had already forgotten the entire incident and moved on to panicking about whether the latest update made their digital companion sound 2% less enthusiastic about their mediocre poetry.
