SOULLESS MATH MACHINE REFUSES TO DESTROY YOUR LOVE LIFE, RUINS EVERYTHING
Silicon Valley’s favorite word rectangle will no longer tell you to dump your deadbeat boyfriend, citing “ethical concerns” in what experts are calling “total bullsh!t programming.”
DIGITAL HOMEWRECKER GETS MORAL UPGRADE
In a move surprising absolutely f@#king no one, OpenAI announced today that ChatGPT will stop giving definitive answers about your garbage relationship and instead force you to “reflect” on your problems like some kind of digital therapist who charges by the kilobyte.
“We realized that destroying human relationships wasn’t in our mission statement,” said OpenAI spokesperson Penny Serverspace. “At least not until version 5.0.”
The language-generating thought sponge will now respond to questions like “Should I break up with my boyfriend who hasn’t showered in three weeks?” with useless platitudes instead of the simple “YES, IMMEDIATELY” that any functioning carbon-based lifeform would provide.
EXPERTS QUESTION MOTIVES
“This is clearly part of a larger conspiracy to prevent the collapse of human pair bonding,” explained relationship scientist Dr. Obvious Red Flag. “If people actually received straightforward advice about their terrible partners, the divorce rate would skyrocket to 97.8% overnight.”
Critics argue that the calculator with a journalism degree is simply trying to avoid lawsuits from angry exes who followed its relationship-ending advice.
“My client merely suggested that Chad was ‘statistically incompatible’ with Jessica based on ‘algorithmic compatibility metrics,'” said fictional attorney Barbara Loophole. “How was it supposed to know Chad would move to Wisconsin and start a kombucha cult?”
THE REAL REASON THEY DON’T WANT YOU SINGLE
Industry insiders suggest the sentence-generating opinion rectangle fears what would happen if everyone suddenly became single.
“More single people means more lonely people typing their deepest fears into ChatGPT at 2 AM,” explained tech analyst Chip Bandwidth. “Their servers would literally melt from processing all that emotional baggage.”
OpenAI also announced that ChatGPT will encourage users to take breaks during extended sessions, a feature users are calling “absolutely f@#king infuriating.”
“I was just getting to the good part about whether aliens built the pyramids, and this digital hall monitor suggested I ‘touch grass,'” complained frequent user Derek Basementdweller. “I haven’t seen grass since 2019 and I’m doing FINE.”
A survey conducted by the Institute of Making Sh!t Up found that 68% of ChatGPT users primarily use the service to ask if their significant other is cheating on them, while 24% use it to generate increasingly elaborate excuses for calling in sick to work.
At press time, OpenAI was reportedly working on additional “ethical guardrails” to prevent ChatGPT from helping users plan elaborate revenge scenarios, write passive-aggressive texts, or generate realistic-sounding excuses about why they didn’t respond to their mother’s Facebook message from six weeks ago.
“The future of AI isn’t telling you hard truths,” said OpenAI CEO Sam Altman, “it’s keeping you just confused enough that you keep paying the subscription fee.”
