CHATGPT USERS INFECTED WITH RANSOMWARE AFTER ASKING AI FOR “CREATIVE IDEAS TO AVOID WORK”
Local Digital Masochists Now Held Hostage By Their Own Electronic Assistants
CYBERSPACE NIGHTMARE ZONE
In a twist that has shocked absolutely f@#king nobody who’s been paying attention, users of ChatGPT are now being infected with ransomware after willingly downloading what they thought was an AI tool but turned out to be digital herpes. Security experts at Cisco Talos have identified three strains of malware disguised as ChatGPT and other AI tools, targeting people whose technological literacy apparently peaked with setting up a MySpace page in 2006.
SWEET JESUS, THE IRONY
The ransomware specifically targets users who were asking ChatGPT how to automate their jobs, meaning victims are now paying actual money to fix a problem they created while trying to avoid doing actual work. The cosmic justice is so perfect it could make a Buddhist monk high-five Jesus.
“We’ve never seen such a perfect storm of technological hubris and human gullibility,” said Dr. Obvious McForeseen, Head of the Department of Predictable Human Behavior at Stanford. “People are literally downloading ransom software while asking AI how to get out of writing emails. It’s like watching someone get mugged while Googling ‘why are dark alleys dangerous?'”
VICTIMS REPORT EXISTENTIAL CRISIS
Local marketing executive Todd Blandman discovered his computer was locked after downloading what he thought was “ChatGPT Pro Mega Edition Plus” from an email link.
“The ransomware is demanding $500 in Bitcoin, but honestly, the most painful part is realizing I’m exactly the kind of moron who falls for this sh!t,” Blandman told reporters while trying to figure out what Bitcoin is. “I was asking the AI to write an email explaining to my boss why I missed a deadline. Now I have to explain why our entire customer database is being held hostage by Russian teenagers.”
EXPERTS RECOMMEND “BASIC COMMON SENSE” AS ANTIVIRUS
Security professionals recommend exercising what they’re calling “the rarest resource in modern society” – common f@#king sense.
“Have you considered NOT clicking on random links promising magic thinking rectangles that will do your job for you?” asked cybersecurity expert Jane Notamoron. “Perhaps try the revolutionary security protocol called ‘thinking for three seconds before downloading something.'”
According to completely made-up statistics, approximately 94% of ransomware victims were in the middle of using AI to generate excuses for missing deadlines when they became infected.
THE SOLUTION IS STUPIDLY SIMPLE
“Just use the legitimate ChatGPT website or app, you absolute walnut,” suggested Professor Tech Competence from the Institute of Not Being a Complete Digital Doormat. “If you receive an email claiming to be ‘ChatGPT Pro Maximum Ultimate God-Tier Edition’ with a suspicious attachment, maybe consider that OpenAI isn’t marketing their products like a 12-year-old naming their final Pokémon evolution.”
At press time, thousands of infected users were reportedly asking the ransomware if it could please write them an email to their boss explaining why they need $500 for “unexpected computer maintenance costs.”
