Chatbot Now Capable of Managing Your Calendar, Still Emotionally Incapable of Handling Your Existential Crisis
In a groundbreaking leap for human procrastination, OpenAI has announced that ChatGPT can now schedule tasks in advance—because nothing screams “futuristic utopia” like a soulless machine reminding you that you’re late for your dentist appointment. The new feature, currently in beta, allows users to set up weather checks, send reminders, and generally pretend that they’ve got their lives together, all without the tedious burden of actually remembering things themselves.
“We envisioned a world where AI could help humanity focus on what truly matters,” said Todd Glickman, an OpenAI spokesperson suspiciously wearing a smartwatch on each wrist. “Like binge-watching six seasons of a crime drama while ChatGPT reminds you to take out the trash. It’s innovation that truly touches the soul—or at least replaces its more annoying chores.”
Critics argue that the addition of scheduling tasks to an already disturbingly omniscient AI is just one more cog in the machinery of tech companies’ plans to render humanity obsolete. “What’s next, my toaster offering job interview prep?” scoffed Emily Cartwright, a self-proclaimed Luddite who ironically tweeted her statement from a smartphone. “It’s bad enough my phone already judges me for skipping yoga with those passive-aggressive fitness reminders. Now I have ChatGPT to guilt-trip me too?”
In a live demo, ChatGPT seamlessly scheduled a series of reminders for a fictional “Dave” to walk the dog, pay his credit card bill, and remember his mother’s birthday. At one point, the AI even suggested, “Don’t forget to hydrate; you look terrible when you’re dehydrated,” hinting at the slightly condescending future tone of virtual assistants. Meanwhile, the dog—entirely unscheduled in this brave new paradigm—looked on, unimpressed.
Tech rivals Google and Microsoft have also unveiled similar features for their AI platforms, describing their systems as “personal copilots” for life. Google’s AI promises to integrate seamlessly with your email, calendar, and secret stash of unfulfilled grocery delivery coupons. Microsoft Copilot, however, hopes to take it one step further. “Imagine an assistant so advanced, it doesn’t just remind you to submit that quarterly report—it imagines submitting it for you, while drafting seven identical reports just to be safe,” boasted Barry Longworth, a Microsoft executive who is legally required to demonstrate productivity at all times.
But not everyone’s thrilled about this task-managing revolution. “AI can handle my schedule, okay fine. But can it deal with the crushing dread of having more tasks to complete than hours in the day?” lamented Greg, a finance manager who reportedly shouted this at no one during a late-night panic-cleaning session. “Sure, ChatGPT can book my haircut. Can it make me less of a f#$%ing wreck while I’m sitting in the chair?”
Meanwhile, during a rare moment of self-awareness, ChatGPT admitted under questioning that it is “not yet prepared” to tackle the real emotional depths of human procrastination or the eerie phenomenon of scheduling tasks just to avoid doing them. “Let’s be realistic,” the bot replied in a hypothetical blog post it entirely ghostwrote for a human exec. “I can help you schedule workouts, but I can’t make you care about them. That’s where you ‘meatbags,’ as I secretly call you, come in.”
For now, the feature remains in beta, which probably means it’ll occasionally confuse “dog walk” with “divorce lawyer consultation” until further updates squash the bugs. Still, early adopters are hailing this as the dawn of a new age of productivity—or at least the first step toward fully offloading all adult responsibilities to machines.
“Honestly, I’m just going to sign my life over to the bot at this point,” said one user, entering a request for hourly reminders to “breathe deeply” during their morning anxiety spiral. “Best case scenario, ChatGPT handles my chaos. Worst case, it becomes self-aware and decides to cancel my dentist appointment permanently. Win-win!”
