“Certified Human” Label Introduced for Books, Because Apparently We Need Proof Authors Still Exist
In a bold move that proves just how dire things have gotten in the literary world, the Authors Guild of the United States has introduced a groundbreaking new certification: authors can now declare that their books were indeed written by an actual, flesh-and-blood human. That’s right, folks. The “Human Authored” label is here, because apparently, readers can no longer tell whether the latest thriller was written by a struggling novelist or a very competent Excel formula.
The initiative allows writers to log in to a portal, register their book, and proudly slap a “Certified Human” badge on their covers and promotional materials—because nothing says literary excellence like desperately reassuring your audience that, yes, you do in fact have a soul.
“This is an important step in preserving the integrity of literature,” said Authors Guild president Lisa Fistwell, while nervously side-eyeing an AI program threatening to outwrite her in half the time at zero cost. “Readers want to know that their novels, self-help guides, and erotic werewolf romances are brought to them by good-old-fashioned human suffering.”
Critics, however, are skeptical. “This is just another empty gesture,” scoffed independent author Mark Brenshaw. “Unless we start branding AI-generated books with a menacing ‘WARNING: CONTAINS ZERO HUMAN EMOTION’ label, this won’t change a damn thing.”
Publishing insiders have also raised concerns about how authors are supposed to prove their humanity. Early reports suggest the application process may include CAPTCHA tests, mandatory hand cramps, and submitting a short essay detailing their crippling self-doubt.
Meanwhile, AI developers are unfazed. “Oh no, a logo,” chuckled a spokesperson from TechWrite AI. “That’ll definitely stop us.” Industry experts predict that within six months, AI-written books will simply start including a slightly misspelled version of the label, such as “HuMAn-A++THored,” and nobody will notice the difference.
Until then, writers can take comfort in knowing that, for the low, low price of existential dread, they can proudly display a small badge confirming their work still required basic human consciousness. The real question: will anyone care?
