EDUCATION SECRETARY PROPOSES REPLACING TEACHERS WITH CHATBOTS THAT ACTUALLY GIVE A SH!T ABOUT YOUR KID
In a bold move that has parents everywhere asking “wait, my child’s teacher wasn’t already a robot?”, Education Secretary Bridget Phillipson has unveiled plans to introduce AI into classrooms across England, presumably because actual humans have become too expensive and unpredictable.
TEACHERS CELEBRATE BEING REPLACED BY MACHINES THAT DON’T NEED BATHROOM BREAKS
During a government-sponsored nerd convention labeled as a “hackathon,” Phillipson nodded enthusiastically while tech bros in hoodies explained how their digital offspring could write student reports, grade papers, and even judge soldering skills, tasks previously requiring human judgment and experience.
“The potential time-saving is enormous,” Phillipson told reporters while a PowerPoint presentation of a cartoon robot wearing glasses played behind her. “Teachers currently waste upwards of 97% of their time on ridiculous activities like ‘reading student work’ and ‘providing personalized feedback.'”
PARENTS THRILLED THAT ALGORITHMS WILL NOW DETERMINE THEIR CHILD’S FUTURE
Local mother Janet Perkins expressed her excitement about the initiative. “I’ve always thought my Timmy’s potential was being limited by his teacher’s human brain. Now a computer that’s been trained on the entire internet can tell him exactly how mediocre his volcano project is.”
According to Dr. Chip Processing, head of the newly formed Ministry of Educational Automation, the benefits are clear. “Our studies show that children respond 78% more positively to feedback when they believe it comes from an unfeeling entity that doesn’t judge them for eating glue.”
COST-SAVING MEASURES INCLUDE REPLACING SCHOOL LUNCHES WITH PICTURES OF FOOD
The Department for Education has allocated £450 million for the initiative, approximately £449 million more than they’ve spent on actual teaching supplies in the last decade.
“We’ve created an AI that can grade 10,000 essays in the time it takes a human teacher to microwave their sad desk lunch,” explained Trevor Algorithmson, CEO of EduBots R Us. “Plus, our systems never get frustrated, need mental health days, or ask for livable wages.”
When questioned about potential drawbacks, Phillipson waved away concerns. “Some worry about the lack of human connection, but studies show that 72% of students can’t tell the difference between their actual teacher and a chatbot programmed to say ‘please turn to page 94’ and ‘stop throwing things at Kevin.'”
TEACHERS UNION REPRESENTATIVES FOUND SOBBING IN CORNER
The National Education Union has responded with what they’re calling “cautious f@#king terror,” suggesting that perhaps fixing crumbling school buildings and paying teachers a competitive salary might be alternatives worth exploring before handing education over to the same technology that thinks your aunt’s cat photos are potential terrorist content.
As the initiative rolls out, Phillipson remains optimistic. “By next year, we hope to have a completely automated education system where children can receive standardized, emotion-free learning from kindergarten through university without ever making meaningful human connections,” she said, before asking an AI assistant to remind her which constituency she represents.
In a final stroke of efficiency, the Department of Education has announced that the next parent-teacher conferences will be conducted via automated text message reading: “Your child is performing [ABOVE/BELOW/AT] expectations. Please adjust your parenting accordingly.”
