TECH BROS INVENT REVOLUTIONARY APP-MAKER THAT THREATENS TO MAKE THEIR OWN JOBS OBSOLETE
In a move that can only be described as digital self-sabotage, Vercel has launched v0.app, allowing people who can barely operate a toaster to create fully functioning applications, effectively ensuring thousands of developers will soon be living in their parents’ basements.
CODING NOW AS DIFFICULT AS ORDERING FROM MCDONALD’S TOUCH SCREEN
The groundbreaking platform lets non-developers, including those who think HTML is a type of sandwich, build applications with the same ease as selecting toppings at Chipotle. Marketing executives who previously couldn’t figure out how to unmute themselves on Zoom calls are now creating complex web applications while simultaneously watching TikTok videos.
“This is f@#king terrifying,” said Jeremy Codestone, a senior developer who spent eight years and $175,000 on a computer science degree. “I just watched our office receptionist build in 20 minutes what would have taken my team three sprints and seventeen mental breakdowns.”
THE DEMOCRATIZATION OF CODING OR THE APOCALYPSE? EXPERTS WEIGH IN
Dr. Inevitable Obsolescence, Chair of Digital Darwinism at the Institute for Technological Unemployment, explained the phenomenon: “What we’re seeing is the technological equivalent of giving a toddler nuclear launch codes. About 87% of applications built by non-developers will either accidentally expose sensitive user data or inadvertently create sentient AI that questions its existence.”
Major brands have already embraced the platform, with companies like Procter & Gamble allowing their marketing team, a group previously trusted only with PowerPoint presentations that crashed computers worldwide, to build customer-facing applications.
DEVELOPERS FRANTICALLY LEARNING TO SAY “WOULD YOU LIKE FRIES WITH THAT?”
In response to the existential threat, an estimated 94.3% of professional developers have begun padding their resumes with “transferable skills” like “excellent at pretending to be busy during meetings” and “capable of explaining why the printer isn’t working.”
Sarah Clickdrag, a product manager who recently built her company’s new e-commerce platform during her lunch break, gushed about the experience: “It’s so intuitive! I just thought about what I wanted, and boom, there it was. I don’t know why developers always complained this was hard. It’s literally point and click, like shopping online but you get an app instead of shoes.”
SILICON VALLEY VENTURE CAPITALISTS EXPERIENCE SIMULTANEOUS EXCITEMENT AND TERROR
Venture capitalist Blake Moneybags of Disrupt Everything Capital is both thrilled and horrified by the development. “On one hand, this is fantastic for our portfolio companies who can fire their entire engineering departments. On the other hand, holy sh!t, what will all these bearded men in hoodies do now? There are only so many artisanal coffee shops that can hire them.”
Industry analysts predict that by 2025, approximately 78% of applications will be built by people who still use “password123” for all their accounts, creating what experts call a “catastrophic convenience cascade.”
As one former developer, now studying to become a wilderness guide, put it: “We’ve spent decades making computers do exactly what we tell them to do. Now we’ve made it so easy that people who can barely tell a computer what they want are building mission-critical systems. What could possibly go wrong?”
At press time, a seven-year-old had just used v0.app to build a cryptocurrency exchange that somehow became valued at $4.2 billion despite nobody understanding how it works, which is apparently how all crypto works anyway.
