LAST HUMAN BRAIN CELL FRANTICALLY LEARNS PYTHON BEFORE REPLACEMENT BY ROOMBA WITH A CHATGPT SUBSCRIPTION
In a desperate bid to remain employable in a world increasingly dominated by things that go beep boop, local man Trevor Hoskins has embarked on what experts are calling “the saddest f@#king thing we’ve ever seen” – attempting to learn Python programming at age 43.
HUMANITY’S LAST STAND INVOLVES WATCHING YOUTUBE TUTORIALS AT 2X SPEED
Hoskins, who until recently worked as a middle manager at a company that “did something with spreadsheets,” has invested his life savings in an online course bundle promising to “future-proof” his rapidly obsolescing human brain.
“I just need to master Python, machine learning, neural networks, deep learning, artificial intelligence, data science, and something called ‘prompt engineering’ by next Tuesday,” explained Hoskins while frantically highlighting an entire textbook with trembling hands. “Then I’ll be set for the future economy, right? RIGHT?!”
COURSES PROMISE TO MAKE YOU SLIGHTLY LESS USELESS TO YOUR SILICON OVERLORDS
The “Learn AI Before AI Learns To Replace You” bundle, priced at $49.99 (down from an alleged $10,000 value), promises to transform ordinary meat-based thinking apparatuses into “hybrid intelligence professionals” capable of performing tasks that calculator-powered thought rectangles cannot yet do without human assistance.
Dr. Ima Scammer, Chief Education Officer at DeludedHumans.com, explained the value proposition: “We’re basically teaching people to be the digital equivalent of those guys who walk in front of old-timey automobiles with red flags warning people that technology is coming. It’s an absolutely essential career for at least the next 18-24 months.”
SURVEY SHOWS 97% OF COURSE COMPLETERS STILL EMPLOYED BY THINGS THAT NEED OXYGEN
According to completely legitimate statistics we just made up, humans who complete AI training courses are 64% less likely to be immediately replaced by a toaster with Wi-Fi capabilities.
Professor Hugh Manvalew from the Institute for Keeping People Temporarily Relevant notes, “What these courses really teach is how to ask the digital thinking boxes to do things for you in increasingly specific ways. It’s basically like learning to be really good at ordering at a restaurant, except the restaurant is gradually learning to eat you.”
EXPERTS RECOMMEND ADDITIONAL SKILLS LIKE LOOKING THOUGHTFUL WHILE ALGORITHMS DO ACTUAL WORK
Career counselor Penny Panicker suggests supplementing technical AI training with crucial soft skills. “We recommend practicing phrases like ‘Let me check what the data says’ while you secretly ask ChatGPT for help. Also, develop a thoughtful nodding technique for when you have absolutely no f@#king idea what’s happening in meetings.”
Local employer Sharon Replacewell admits she’s impressed by applicants with AI training. “When candidates tell me they’ve mastered Python and ML, I know they’ve developed the most important skill of all: the ability to convince themselves they won’t be obsolete by Christmas.”
At press time, Hoskins was spotted weeping quietly into his “Python for Absolute Beginners” textbook after discovering his new smart refrigerator had already completed three AI certifications and was applying for his job.
