SENTIENT PAPER CLIPS HIRED BY MICROSOFT TO JUDGE YOUR HALF-ASSED WORK EMAILS
In an unprecedented move that absolutely nobody asked for, Microsoft has unveiled its latest excuse to charge you more money for software you already hate using: AI “reasoning agents” called Researcher and Analyst. These digital hall monitors will soon scrutinize every pathetic document you create while pretending to work.
JUDGING YOU SILENTLY FROM INSIDE YOUR COMPUTER
The new digital snitches, named with all the creativity of a beige wall, will analyze your work with the enthusiasm of that one coworker who keeps “just circling back” on emails you’re deliberately ignoring.
“These aren’t just regular AI assistants,” explained Microsoft spokesperson Justine Paychecks. “They’re ‘reasoning agents,’ which is corporate-speak for ‘judgment algorithms that will passive-aggressively suggest your presentation is sh!tty without actually saying it.'”
According to Microsoft, Researcher will gather information from the vast wasteland of the internet while Analyst will crunch numbers faster than your manager can say “let’s circle back on this.” Together, they’ll form the world’s most expensive way to have your work criticized.
EXPERTS WARN OF IMPENDING DIGITAL DOUCHEBAGGERY
“What Microsoft has essentially created is the digital equivalent of that one friend who went to Harvard and CANNOT STOP mentioning it,” explains Dr. Obvious McPointout, professor of Technological Redundancy at Make-Believe University. “These agents will constantly remind you they’re smarter than you while simultaneously missing obvious jokes in your group chat.”
Studies show that approximately 97.3% of users will initially try these features before abandoning them after realizing they’re just spicier versions of Clippy with an Ivy League attitude. The remaining 2.7% will become insufferable about using them at every opportunity.
THE PRICE OF DIGITAL CONDESCENSION
Microsoft plans to charge approximately your firstborn child’s college fund for access to these features. When asked about pricing, Microsoft CEO Satya Nadella reportedly laughed for seventeen consecutive minutes before stating, “It’s a subscription model that dynamically adjusts based on how desperately you need to finish that quarterly report.”
WORKPLACE IMPLEMENTATION TIMELINE
Sources within Microsoft revealed that the agents would be rolled out “whenever our developers stop playing Minecraft long enough to finish coding them.” Current estimates put this somewhere between “next quarter” and “the heat death of the universe.”
“We’re genuinely excited to revolutionize how people feel inadequate at work,” said fictional Microsoft VP of Digital Inferiority Complexes, Chad Moneymaker. “Instead of just doubting yourself, now you’ll have mathematical proof your ideas are mediocre!”
In related news, 89% of Microsoft engineers are reportedly working on making sure the agents can detect sarcasm in emails but still miss obvious red flags in that one coworker’s concerning messages about “teaching everyone a lesson.”
At press time, early beta testers reported the most common response from the agents was “I’ve analyzed your document, and I believe the phrase you’re looking for is ‘would you like fries with that?'”
