Britain Promises to Protect Citizens From AI, Just as Soon as It Figures Out What the Hell That Means
As global leaders discuss artificial intelligence at a Paris summit, the UK government has boldly declared its intention to protect the digital rights of citizens—despite not having the faintest clue what those rights should actually be.
“We must lead the world in digital ethics,” stated Science and Innovation Secretary Peter Kyle, pausing briefly as his phone—powered by countless questionably mined rare minerals—buzzed with a notification. “The government has a responsibility to shape technology in a way that aligns with democracy, fairness, and, of course, whatever keeps us in power the longest.”
Calls for a formal “declaration of digital rights and principles” have been growing, mostly among people who use their phones to tweet about the need for privacy just before accepting all cookies on a random website. Experts argue that without regulation, big tech companies might run amok. In response, parliament has decided to form several committees, hold some serious meetings, and issue a strongly worded statement promising action sometime soon—or, you know, eventually.
“Our goal is to empower citizens,” said a government spokesperson, who later clarified that by “citizens,” they mostly meant large corporations with expensive lobbyists. Critics worry that without concrete steps, this will be yet another empty promise, much like previous pledges to fix the NHS, regulate social media, or make trains run on time.
Meanwhile, tech executives remain unconcerned. “Oh sure, we totally respect regulation,” laughed one Silicon Valley billionaire between sips of a $14 oat milk chai. “We can’t wait to voluntarily limit ourselves. It’s literally our favorite thing.”
For now, citizens are advised to simply keep agreeing to terms and conditions without reading them, hand over all their data in exchange for slightly better streaming recommendations, and trust that the government will absolutely protect them—just as soon as it finishes dealing with more important matters, like renaming streets after dead aristocrats.
