HUMANITY DOOMED AS BROWSERS SPROUT “AI SIDEBARS,” EXPERTS PREDICT SENTIENT TABS BY 2025
In what can only be described as humanity’s final technological frontier before the complete collapse of civilization, web browsers are now frantically shoving “AI sidebars” into their interfaces, desperately hoping you’ll forget that regular search engines exist.
FIREFOX EXECUTIVE ADMITS “WE’RE JUST THROWING SH!T AT THE WALL”
Firefox’s Vice President of Unnecessary Features, speaking exclusively to tech journalists who were definitely not bribed with free merchandise, admitted that the company’s new AI sidebar represents “our last-ditch effort to stay relevant before Google Chrome absorbs the final 2% of market share we’re clinging to.”
“We looked at the data, and it turns out people LOVE having their screen real estate reduced by 20% for features they’ll use exactly twice before forgetting they exist,” said Meredith Clickbait, Firefox’s Senior Vice President of User Distraction. “Our research shows that what users really want is the exact same browser experience they’ve had for 15 years, but with more f@#king buttons.”
BROWSER WARS ESCALATE TO DEFCON 1
Not to be outdone, Google Chrome engineers are reportedly working on an AI feature that automatically closes all your tabs and replaces them with sponsored content whenever it detects you’re about to make a purchase decision. Microsoft Edge, meanwhile, has developed an AI assistant that actively begs you not to download Chrome in increasingly pathetic ways.
“We’ve created an algorithm that can generate up to 47 different guilt-inducing pop-ups when users type ‘download Chrome’ into our search bar,” boasted Dr. Desperation, Microsoft’s Director of Browser Retention. “One of them actually simulates crying.”
USERS COMPLETELY F@#KING BAFFLED
A shocking survey conducted by the Institute for Obvious Research found that 94% of internet users have no idea what an “AI sidebar” is, 87% don’t want one, and 100% would prefer browsers that don’t crash when more than three tabs are open.
“I just want to check my email and watch cat videos without my computer fan sounding like a jet engine,” said ordinary human Deborah Normalson, 43. “But apparently now I need a quantum computer just to run a f@#king web browser.”
THE INEVITABLE FUTURE OF BROWSING: ACTUAL HALLUCINATIONS
Tech analysts predict that by 2026, browsers will evolve beyond sidebars into full sensory hallucinations, with Firefox planning to release a feature that physically manifests in your living room and reads BuzzFeed articles aloud while you sleep.
“The natural progression of browser evolution is total mind control,” explained Professor Cassandra Doombringer of the Silicon Valley School of Technological Apocalypse. “First sidebars, then direct neural implants, and finally the complete dissolution of the boundary between human consciousness and targeted advertising.”
At press time, all major browser companies were reportedly in talks to develop an AI feature that would finally, mercifully, tell users what the f@#k all those cookie consent popups actually mean.
