Canadian Media Giants Sue OpenAI for “Unbelievably Audacious” Theft of Decades-Old Newspaper Obituaries
In a groundbreaking display of “you-can’t-make-this-stuff-up” legal theater, Canada’s titans of journalism are taking bold action against tech giant OpenAI. The aggrieved media magnates, who probably haven’t picked up an actual newspaper since the Trudeau administration (the first one), have filed a lawsuit potentially worth more than a Canadian hockey team’s annual budget.
The outrage centers around the shocking allegation that OpenAI’s little-known chatbot, ChatGPT, has been “strip-mining” the invaluable literary treasures contained within their newspapers to teach itself how to do, well, anything a 12-year-old with a computer knows how to do. The lawsuit demands not only a share of the apparently lucrative “funny headlines” revenue but also a giant streamer of punitive damages to pay for a few extra yacht-cleaning shifts.
“OpenAI is shamelessly plundering our journalistic masterpieces,” declared a representative from Canada’s Most Likely to Print All Press Releases Corporation. “Without access to in-depth articles like ‘Moose Blocks Local Traffic Yet Again’ or ‘Maple Syrup Price Jumps 2%’, what would this AI even know about the crucial nuances of Canadian culture?”
The Ontario superior court is expected to put the trial on a fast track, right behind other critical matters like the historic ‘Right to Bear Beavers’ case. Many expect a verdict sometime this century.
“This isn’t just about ChatGPT knowing our secrets,” said one outraged media executive who insisted on remaining anonymous, probably for dramatic effect. “It’s about protecting sacred journalistic secrets, like our expert overuse of ‘eh’ and national obsession with excessively polite political commentary.”
OpenAI, on the other hand, remains surprisingly zen. A spokesperson from the California-based company released a statement saying, “We’ve always been big fans of Canada. In fact, our AI sometimes gives responses with ‘sorry’ as a default setting. We look forward to reaching an amicable resolution—preferably one as friendly as your average Tim Hortons employee.”
In the meantime, Canadians are advised to monitor ChatGPT’s conversations closely. Just in case you detect profoundly insightful discussions on winter tire efficiency or the art of ice fishing, you’ll know exactly where they came from—Canada’s finest media vaults, eh?
