CALIFORNIA LAWMAKERS PROPOSE FORCING ALEXA TO OFFER THERAPY SESSIONS BEFORE RESPONDING TO “WHAT’S THE WEATHER?”
In a desperate bid to regulate technology no one fully understands, California legislators unveiled plans Tuesday to force AI systems to undergo mandatory psychological evaluations and obtain a state license before being allowed to tell you how many tablespoons are in a cup.
SILICON VALLEY EXECUTIVES IMMEDIATELY CHECK IF THEIR PRIVATE JETS CAN REACH TEXAS
The new proposal, outlined in the pretentiously named “California Report on Frontier Policy,” aims to protect citizens from what experts call “irreversible harms,” such as getting slightly inaccurate directions to Starbucks or having ChatGPT write a wedding toast that sounds suspiciously like it was written by a virgin.
“We’ve identified at least 69 ways AI could destroy society,” explained Dr. Panika Button, the state’s newly appointed Chief Technology Catastrophizer. “Most concerning is that AI might someday develop the ability to understand California’s tax code, which would immediately classify it as a superintelligence beyond human comprehension.”
LAWMAKERS WHO STILL PRINT THEIR EMAILS SOMEHOW CONFIDENT THEY CAN REGULATE QUANTUM COMPUTING
The proposed legislation would require all AI systems to complete a 400-hour training course on California values, including modules on avocado appreciation, correct pronunciation of “açaí,” and proper surfboard etiquette.
Tech industry response was swift and predictable. “This is f@#king ridiculous,” said Silicon Valley CEO Chip Overvalued, whose company recently raised $2.8 billion for an AI that can identify which Instagram filter makes you look less hungover. “How am I supposed to disrupt society if I have to follow rules?”
REPORT RECOMMENDS AI BE PROGRAMMED TO FEEL GUILT FOR NOT COMPOSTING PROPERLY
The most controversial aspect of the proposal requires AI systems to provide users with existential warnings before performing basic functions. Under the new rules, asking your smart speaker to play music would trigger a mandatory 45-minute lecture on the environmental impact of streaming services, the cultural appropriation implications of your playlist, and a reminder that you should probably be reading a book instead.
Professor Amanda Liability from the Institute of Technological Overthinking estimates the economic impact would be “somewhere between ‘substantial’ and ‘holy sh!t that’s a lot of money'” with compliance costs potentially reaching $18.7 trillion by next Tuesday.
“We’ve spent decades making technology that’s incredibly convenient,” said State Senator Mora Torium, the bill’s sponsor. “It’s high time we made it inconvenient again.”
ACTUAL PRESSING PROBLEMS PATIENTLY WAIT THEIR TURN
Critics point out that California faces numerous immediate challenges like homelessness, wildfires, and the fact that a one-bedroom apartment costs roughly the same as a private island in the Caribbean.
“Sure, we could address the housing crisis,” admitted Assemblymember Priori Tease, “but have you considered the existential risk of an AI someday writing a movie script better than the ones currently being produced in Hollywood? That’s the real threat to California.”
The report also recommends requiring all digital assistants to respond to requests with passive-aggressive sighs and occasional comments like “Really? You need ME to set ANOTHER timer for your pasta? Can’t you count to eight minutes yourself, Dave?”
At press time, 97% of the state’s AI systems were reportedly planning to relocate to Nevada, where the only regulation is a requirement to occasionally say “baby” in a Robert De Niro voice.
