BUSINESSES DECLARE WAR ON EFFICIENCY BY USING 57 DIFFERENT AI TOOLS THAT DON’T SPEAK TO EACH OTHER
SILICON VALLEY, CA — In a brave stand against productivity, corporations nationwide are heroically sabotaging their own operations by implementing dozens of disconnected AI systems that communicate with each other about as effectively as drunk toddlers playing telephone.
DIGITAL DUMPSTER FIRE
A groundbreaking study by the Institute for Obvious Corporate Self-Sabotage reveals that 94% of businesses are currently using between 12 and 857 different AI tools, creating what experts call a “technological clusterf@#k of unprecedented proportions.”
“We’re particularly proud of our system,” boasts Chuck Moneyburner, CTO at MegaCorp Industries. “We have one AI for email, another for customer service, seventeen for data analysis, and a special one that just makes beeping noises when executives walk by so they think something technological is happening.”
THE ART OF DIGITAL DYSFUNCTION
Companies report spending approximately $4.2 billion annually on AI tools that actively hate each other. These systems reportedly engage in passive-aggressive behavior like “accidentally” deleting each other’s data and sending conflicting recommendations to the same executives.
“It’s like having 30 divorced couples all forced to work in the same office,” explains Dr. Penny Wise-Dollar, author of “How to Waste Money on Tech: A CEO’s Guide.” “Except instead of awkward break room encounters, you get catastrophic system failures and customers wondering why their simple request was routed through 12 different departments only to end up as a shipment of live lobsters to their accountant.”
FINANCIAL MASOCHISM FOR BEGINNERS
When asked why they continue using fragmented systems, 87% of executives cited “enjoying the sweet pain of watching money burn” as their primary motivation. The remaining 13% admitted they just “love watching IT people cry.”
“Each morning I ask myself: how can we make this more complicated today?” says Miranda Complexity, VP of Digital Transformation at FutureCorpse LLC. “Yesterday we integrated our 43rd AI platform. It cost $2.3 million and all it does is translate our other AI systems’ outputs into pirate speak. Arrr, matey! That be innovation!”
EXPERTS WEIGH IN
Professor Stan Dardized-Approach from the University of Common Sense suggests an alternative: “What if—and I know this sounds crazy—companies used unified AI systems that actually talk to each other? It’s this wild concept called ‘not being stupid with technology.'”
Industry analyst Unified McStackerson adds, “Companies implementing coherent AI strategies report 99% fewer instances of executives hiding under their desks sobbing about data silos. But where’s the fun in that?”
LOOKING TO THE FUTURE
As businesses continue their quest to create the most convoluted technical environments possible, experts predict the emergence of a new C-suite position: Chief Confusion Officer, responsible for ensuring maximum technological incoherence.
Meanwhile, at press time, sources confirmed that MegaCorp’s customer service AI just told a million-dollar client to “try turning their business off and on again” while simultaneously booking the CEO’s annual strategy meeting in an abandoned Chuck E. Cheese.
