BT CEO ANNOUNCES PLAN TO REPLACE ENTIRE WORKFORCE WITH ONE INTERN AND A REALLY SMART TOASTER
In what financial analysts are calling “the most honest corporate bloodbath since Goldman Sachs replaced their HR department with three piranhas and a suggestion box,” BT Chief Executive Allison Kirkby revealed today that the company’s previously announced 55,000 job cuts were “just a warm-up exercise” before the real termination festivities begin.
TECHNOLOGICAL UNEMPLOYMENT REACHES ORGASMIC LEVELS FOR EXECUTIVES
“Look, we initially thought cutting 55,000 jobs was ambitious,” Kirkby reportedly told shareholders while absentmindedly polishing her solid gold paperweight shaped like a pink slip. “But then our AI suggested we could function perfectly well with just seventeen employees and a particularly intuitive microwave oven.”
The telecommunications giant plans to implement what they’re calling “Operation F@#k Your Pension” by gradually replacing human workers with digital thought servants that never request bathroom breaks or complain about the temperature in the office.
EMPLOYEES ENCOURAGED TO TRAIN THEIR DIGITAL REPLACEMENTS BEFORE BEING SHOWN THE DOOR
BT’s new workforce reduction strategy includes having current employees train the very binary-based thinking rectangles that will ultimately render them obsolete, in what company literature describes as “a fun team-building exercise with permanent consequences.”
“It’s actually quite efficient,” explained Dr. Termin Ation, BT’s newly appointed Chief People Elimination Officer. “We’ve found that humans are 78% more productive when they know they’re digging their own professional graves. It’s basic psychology, really.”
SHAREHOLDERS CELEBRATE WITH CHAMPAGNE BATHS WHILE FORMER EMPLOYEES DEBATE EATING PETS
The market responded positively to the announcement, with BT shares rising 14% as investors celebrated the company’s commitment to eliminating its most expensive resource: people who expect to be paid.
“This is f@#king brilliant,” exclaimed financial analyst Richard “Dick” Hardman. “By our calculations, BT could theoretically operate with just a really well-designed Excel spreadsheet and a janitor to occasionally hit Ctrl+Alt+Delete. That’s the kind of innovation that makes capitalism so goddamn beautiful.”
According to highly accurate statistics we definitely didn’t make up, approximately 96.7% of all telecommunications jobs could be performed by a text-based assistance program with access to YouTube tutorial videos.
GOVERNMENT RESPONDS BY FORMING COMMITTEE TO DISCUSS POTENTIAL FUTURE CONSIDERATION OF POSSIBLE TASK FORCE
In response to concerns about mass unemployment, the UK government announced plans to form an exploratory committee to investigate the possibility of perhaps one day considering the potential ramification of maybe establishing a task force that might eventually address the situation.
“We’re deeply concerned about these job losses,” said Minister for Pretending to Care About Working People, Simon Platitude. “That’s why we’re commissioning a 700-page report that will be immediately ignored upon completion.”
When asked what former employees should do for income, Platitude suggested they “learn to code or something” before hurriedly boarding his chauffeur-driven car.
FORMER EMPLOYEES PIVOT TO EXCITING NEW CAREERS IN CARDBOARD BOX ARCHITECTURE
Early reports indicate that former BT employees are already transitioning to growth industries such as “app-based begging” and “underground fight clubs for middle-aged IT professionals.”
“I spent 23 years installing fiber optic cables,” said former BT engineer Sarah Williams. “Now I’m considering a promising career in screaming into the void or possibly teaching my dog to pick pockets.”
As Kirkby concluded the announcement, she reassured shareholders that this was merely the beginning of BT’s efficiency journey. “Eventually, we hope to replace me too,” she said with a hollow laugh that somehow echoed despite being in a carpeted room. “After all, why pay millions for a CEO when a Magic 8-Ball makes equally good decisions at a fraction of the cost?”
