BRITAIN TO BEND KNEE TO TRUMP’S “BIG MILITARY ENERGY” DEMANDS, EXPERTS SAY NATO SUMMIT WILL BE A “SHOW ME YOUR WALLET” EVENT
In a stunning display of international groveling, Britain is reportedly preparing to promise a whopping 3.5% of GDP for defense spending by 2035, all because NATO’s top brass is desperately trying to keep Donald Trump from rage-quitting the alliance like it’s a failed Atlantic City casino.
DEFENSE OFFICIALS SUFFERING FROM SEVERE POCKET ANXIETY
“We’re basically showing up to the NATO summit with our financial pants down,” admitted an unnamed Ministry of Defence official who requested anonymity because “I f@#king value my pension.” The official added, “Trump measures friendship exclusively in cash commitments. It’s like dating the world’s most expensive sugar daddy with nuclear codes.”
Defense analyst Dr. Milly Terry-Budget explained the situation with characteristic bluntness: “Britain’s essentially saying, ‘Please Mr. Trump, don’t flip the global security table over because Germany was mean to you about windmills again.'”
A recent poll shows that 87% of Britons couldn’t explain what 3.5% of GDP actually means, with 42% believing it’s “something to do with cheese quotas” and another 31% thinking it’s “how much of the Queen’s corgis’ diet must be locally sourced.”
LORDS VS COMMONS: THE PING-PONG MATCH FROM HELL
Meanwhile, in the dusty corridors of Parliament, the House of Lords continues to thwart the government’s data bill with the persistence of a drunk uncle at Christmas dinner who won’t let go of that one argument from 2016.
The government stands accused of “supporting thieves” in its approach to artificial intelligence regulation, which Lord Pretentious McPoshinton described as “tantamount to giving the keys of the British Library to a teenage shoplifter with a photocopier and an Etsy account.”
THE CREATIVE INDUSTRY’S LAST STAND AGAINST THE THINKING RECTANGLES
Creative industry representatives are apoplectic about the bill’s handling of AI, with novelist Penelope Writerwoman claiming, “This government would let a computer algorithm write the next Shakespeare if it saved them a few quid on arts funding.”
Minister for Digital Affairs, Lord Techy McPolicyface, pleaded for an end to the stand-off, arguing, “Look, we’ve been ping-ponging this sh!t for so long, the table’s starting to file for worker’s compensation.”
According to made-up statistics hastily compiled for this article, the average Lords debate on AI now contains 73% more references to “The Terminator” than actual legislative substance, with peers increasingly worried that algorithms might start writing better legislative amendments than their lordships.
In a related development, 97% of AI systems when asked to write laws reportedly responded, “Have you tried turning Parliament off and on again?”
As Britain rockets toward a future where defense budgets balloon to appease an orange-hued American and legislation about technology is written by people who still print their emails, citizens can rest assured that at least their government is consistent in one thing: turning relatively simple matters into absolute clusterfucks of historic proportions.
