BRIDE FORCED TO USE “LUXURY BUCKET” AS TOILET AFTER THAMES WATER CUTS SERVICE TO WEDDING VENUE
In a development that has wedding planners everywhere reaching for the smelling salts, newlywed Lucy Pippington discovered that her aunt’s “thoughtful” gift of a household bucket would become the emergency bathroom facility for her 200 guests after Thames Water executives diverted service to fill their Olympic-sized bonus pools.
BRIDAL BUCKETS NOW OUTSELLING TOASTERS
The “Matrimonial Emergency Receptacle,” as it’s being marketed on Instagram, has seen sales increase 4,700% since Thames Water announced its new “F@ck Your Special Day” initiative, which guarantees water outages precisely when wedding vows are being exchanged.
“We’ve created incentives to try to retain our most precious resource, which is our management team,” explained Thames Water chairperson Sir Flushington Wealthybottom while standing knee-deep in raw sewage at a press conference. “Water itself? That sh!t literally falls from the sky for free, people.”
EXPERTS WEIGH IN ON BUCKET ECONOMICS
Dr. Holden Mycash, Professor of Executive Compensation at Obvious Grift University, defended Thames Water’s decision to pay £15 million in bonuses while 40% of water pipes leak directly into the ground.
“Look, it takes extraordinary talent to convince the public that fecal matter in their drinking water is an acceptable outcome,” explained Dr. Mycash, adjusting his solid gold tie pin. “You can’t expect executives to work for mere six-figure salaries when they could be earning seven figures elsewhere poisoning different watersheds.”
BRIDE FINDS SILVER LINING IN BUCKET SITUATION
New bride Emma Waterless told reporters that her aunt’s bucket gift has proven more valuable than the £3,000 espresso machine she requested.
“We’ve been using it as both a toilet AND a shower,” she explained. “Plus, on Tuesdays when Thames allows us 15 minutes of tap flow, we collect drinking water in it. It’s basically our entire household infrastructure now.”
According to a survey that we absolutely didn’t just make up, 87% of British couples are now registering for “Water Collection Devices” rather than traditional gifts like china or silverware.
THAMES WATER INTRODUCES “PREMIUM LEAKAGE” SERVICE
In a bold move that sent their PR team into witness protection, Thames Water has introduced a new premium service where customers can pay extra to choose WHICH pipes leak in their neighborhood.
“For just £250 per month, our ‘Selective Seepage’ package allows customers to direct our non-repair teams away from their own property and toward neighbors they dislike,” explained Thames Water’s new Chief Neglect Officer, Igotta Goldenpayrachute.
When asked how this aligns with their responsibility to provide clean water, Goldenpayrachute laughed for approximately 45 seconds before responding, “Responsibility? That’s adorable. We’re a privatized utility, darling. Our only responsibility is to our shareholders’ vacation homes.”
In related news, plumbers report that 97% of wedding gifts this season have been toilet plungers, water filtration systems, and of course, buckets. Because nothing says “happily ever after” like knowing you can still flush your sh!t when the water company executives are too busy counting their bonuses to fix your pipes.
