DESPERATE BRANDS TURN TO ADOBE’S “LLM OPTIMIZER” TO TRICK SOULLESS CHATBOTS INTO GIVING A SH!T ABOUT THEIR PRODUCTS

Adobe announced its new LLM Optimizer tool on Tuesday, desperately attempting to help pathetic brands remain relevant in a world where humans have outsourced their product discovery to emotionless text boxes powered by algorithms that couldn’t care less about your artisanal small-batch kombucha startup.

THIS IS LITERALLY JUST SEO BUT FOR ROBOTS

The tool essentially helps companies optimize their product descriptions so that when you ask ChatGPT “what moisturizer should I buy for my dry-ass skin,” it might actually mention their brand instead of just recommending whatever product paid the most money to silicon valley’s thinking rectangles. It’s SEO for the AI apocalypse, and if your company isn’t adapting, you’re f@cked.

“Our groundbreaking tool ensures brands can still manipulate consumer behavior even when actual humans aren’t involved in the shopping process anymore,” said Pradeep Tippingpoint, Adobe’s Chief Relevance Officer. “It’s absolutely critical that corporations maintain their ability to influence people’s purchasing decisions even when those decisions are being made by code written by 23-year-old Stanford dropouts hopped up on Monster energy drinks.”

BRANDS LITERALLY CRYING AND THROWING UP AT THE THOUGHT OF NOT BEING RECOMMENDED

According to a completely made-up study by the Institute for Corporate Panic, approximately 97.8% of marketing executives wake up in cold sweats screaming “BUT WILL THE CHATBOT MENTION US?!” Studies show that not being recommended by a chatbot now ranks just behind “global pandemic” and slightly ahead of “total economic collapse” on the list of CMO nightmare scenarios.

“If a consumer asks a chatbot for the best running shoes and our brand doesn’t show up, do we even exist?” wailed Stephanie Existential, Chief Digital Officer at Generic Sportswear Inc. “We’ve spent millions on our brand voice just to have some text-generating calculator decide our fate with zero regard for our quarterly earnings targets.”

DESPERATE MEASURES FOR DESPERATE TIMES

The situation has grown so dire that some companies have resorted to naming their products with AI-friendly terms like “OptimalChoice_BestValue_TopRated_MustBuy_Seriously_Please_Recommend_Us_We’re_Begging_You Bathroom Cleaner.”

Dr. Reality Check, professor of Digital Futility at the University of Obvious Conclusions, explains: “Companies spent decades mastering the art of manipulating Google’s algorithm, only to watch in horror as consumers started asking ChatGPT questions instead of searching. It’s like learning to masterfully play the violin while the Titanic sinks. Sure, you’re technically accomplishing something, but the end result is still you drowning in icy water while clutching your obsolete skills.”

EARLY ADOPTERS REPORT “ABSOLUTELY INCREDIBLE” RESULTS THAT ARE IN NO WAY EXAGGERATED

Early adopters of Adobe’s tool report staggering success that definitely isn’t marketing hype. “After using LLM Optimizer, our shower curtain rings were suddenly being recommended by chatbots for everything from weight loss to existential crises,” claimed Todd Bullsh!tter, CMO of HouseStuff Inc. “Our sales increased by 4,000% overnight, and three of our executives were spontaneously appointed to the Supreme Court. It’s that effective.”

Adobe’s tool works by analyzing exactly what language triggers algorithmic recommendations, then helping brands incorporate those terms while still technically not lying about their products’ capabilities or benefits.

AT PRESS TIME: HUMANITY CONTINUES SPEEDY TRANSITION TO LETTING MATH EQUATIONS MAKE ALL DECISIONS

As of press time, consumers reported feeling totally comfortable letting probability distributions masquerading as helpful assistants make increasingly important life decisions for them. Local man Trevor Johnson told reporters, “I recently asked a chatbot what career I should pursue, which house I should buy, and whether I should leave my wife. It’s just easier this way, you know?”

Meanwhile, Adobe executives were last seen rolling around in piles of cash while chanting “The algorithm gods must be appeased!” as marketing departments worldwide clambered over each other to pay whatever price necessary to remain relevant in our brave new world where your product’s fate rests in the cold, unfeeling hands of calculation engines that don’t even have the capacity to enjoy your clever TV commercials.