# BRAIN-SNIFFING META AI CAN READ YOUR THOUGHTS, ALREADY FINDS YOU BORING
Meta’s lab coats announce breakthrough technology that knows exactly what parts of your brain light up when watching cat videos, raising serious questions about whether Mark Zuckerberg has been living inside your cerebellum this whole time.
NEURAL SPYWARE INSTALLS AUTOMATICALLY
Facebook’s parent company Meta proudly unveiled TRIBE, a sophisticated neural network that predicts with terrifying accuracy which parts of your brain will activate when watching videos—all without ever having to crack open your skull, which was apparently Plan A.
The 1B parameter model watches movies, listens to dialogue, and somehow knows exactly which neurons in your frontal lobe are getting excited about that car chase scene. It’s particularly good at predicting brain activity in regions controlling attention and emotional responses, which coincidentally are the same areas Meta has been desperately trying to manipulate for the past 15 years.
“This represents a monumental breakthrough in brain science,” explained Dr. Peeping Tom, Meta’s Chief Neural Surveillance Officer. “Now we can predict with 50% accuracy what happens in your brain while watching Netflix. The other 50% is just us assuming you’re thinking about snacks.”
ADDICTION ENGINEERS CELEBRATE
The technology shows remarkable success at identifying which brain regions activate when processing combined audio, visual, and text content—outperforming previous models by a whopping 30%. Meta researchers were reportedly “ecstatic” when discovering the system works especially well at predicting activity in frontal brain regions controlling attention and decision-making.
“It’s purely for science,” insisted Dr. Emma T. Addict, Meta’s Director of Neural Hijacking. “The fact that we can now create content specifically designed to trigger addictive patterns in your prefrontal cortex is just a happy coincidence that our shareholders will absolutely f@#king love.”
WHAT BRAIN PRIVACY?
Privacy advocates expressed concerns that Meta now basically knows what you’re thinking before you do. When reached for comment, Meta CEO Mark Zuckerberg responded by somehow knowing we were about to call and sending a text reading only: “You should pick up milk on the way home. Also, stop thinking about that embarrassing thing from 7th grade. Everyone has forgotten except you.”
The company insists there’s nothing creepy about an algorithm that can predict your neural patterns without consent. “If we wanted to be invasive, we would have stuck with our original plan of microscopic brain implants in breakfast cereal,” explained Meta spokesperson Jill Mindrobber.
EXPERTS QUESTION USE CASES
Independent neuroscientists point out that predictive brain modeling could revolutionize treatments for neurological disorders, advance brain-computer interfaces, and help us understand consciousness itself. Alternatively, it could be used to create TikTok videos so addictive they cause people to forget to breathe.
“The real question isn’t ‘can we do this?’ but ‘should we do this?'” said Professor Obvious Truth from the Institute of Saying Things Everyone Already Knows. “On the other hand, the technology could help people with cognitive disabilities communicate better. But let’s be real, Meta’s gonna use it to make you watch 18 straight hours of Reels.”
FACEBOOK FINALLY REVEALS ITS ENDGAME
Meta’s research paper, published as “Predicting Neural Activity from Multimodal Movie Features,” was initially titled “How to Make Content So Addictive Your Users Will Literally Die in Their Chairs Rather Than Stop Scrolling,” but PR reportedly suggested toning it down.
When asked what’s next, Meta researchers unveiled plans to create an algorithm that can predict what you’ll think about their algorithm that predicts what you think, creating what scientists call a “recursive mind-f@#k loop” that could potentially tear a hole in the fabric of reality.
Meanwhile, 97% of users surveyed said they’re “deeply concerned” about Meta’s ability to read their thoughts, before immediately agreeing to updated terms of service giving the company ownership of their entire brainwave spectrum, past and future dreams, and any original ideas they might have while showering.
As one analyst noted, “If you thought targeted ads were annoying before, just wait until they start targeting the neurons that made you cry during Marley & Me.”
