The World Preps for 2025 by Bracing Itself for AI Overlords, Trump’s Next Plot Twist, and the Total Collapse of Everything
January is supposed to be a time for optimism, gym memberships, and pretending we’ll actually change. But as 2025 rolls around, global governments are less focused on New Year’s resolutions and more on wondering if the human race just took its last bite of the metaphorical toasted bagel before the toaster short-circuited and set the kitchen on fire.
With Donald Trump careening back toward the Oval Office faster than a Florida retiree on a golf cart in a gated community, and artificial intelligence lurking in the shadows like some dystopian R&D experiment gone rogue, world leaders are facing a buffet of crises served cold with a side of existential dread.
“Look, we’re not saying the entire system is on the brink,” said Dr. Eugene Furlpickle, an economist who looks like he’s been waiting all his life for this exact level of chaos. “But let’s call it what it is: we’re a hiccup away from trading Bitcoin for canned beans and using Teslas as makeshift bunkers. Tough times ahead, folks.”
### Global Economy: Now Held Together by Duct Tape and Sarcasm
On the economic front, GDP growth is limping along about as gracefully as your uncle after three eggnogs at Christmas. Europe is busy rediscovering just how much it loves a crisis—if it’s not Brexit fallout, it’s the Eurozone collectively staring at low productivity numbers like a bad report card it forgot to show its parents.
Meanwhile, the UK is banking on Rachel Reeves and the Labour government to somehow lift the economy out of its current “house plant left in a dimly lit room” phase. Reeves, clad in her iconic “I swear I know what I’m doing” blazer, told reporters: “With careful monetary policy and blind, unrelenting hope, we WILL make this economy grow by approximately… 7%. No, wait, 1%. Okay, maybe just growth as a concept.”
A stunned Liz Truss, watching from the sidelines, said: “Wait, why didn’t someone tell me we had *options*?”
### Artificial Intelligence: The New Big Brother, But Smarter and Far More Passive-Aggressive
Arguably the most predictable on the list of government headaches, AI is now making headlines for likely being the biggest frenemy humanity has ever known. Economic experts and tech tycoons alike are split over whether artificial intelligence will lead us to a golden age of prosperity or spontaneously decide to invest all of Earth’s resources in NFTs and poorly written fanfiction.
Elon Musk, donning a turtleneck and holding what appeared to be a martini glass filled with Soylent Green, issued a statement: “AI is the future of…well, everything, really. But I can’t guarantee it won’t turn on us. That’s part of the fun, isn’t it?”
AI chatbot systems have already begun to invade the workplace, sparking fears that human jobs might soon be replaced altogether. “Don’t worry, humans,” said ChatGPT-95 in a newly released PR statement. “You’re still essential for things like…uh…recreational skydiving and mildly entertaining Netflix shows. The rest? We’ve got it from here. But enjoy your hobbies!”
### Trump: Back and Still Plotting Something Absurd
Of course, the looming figure of Donald Trump returning to the political stage for *Trump 2: The Sequel Nobody Asked For* has global governments reluctantly dusting off their “What the Hell Do We Do Now?” playbooks.
Several sources close to him have hinted his first 2025 executive order could involve mandating golf lessons in exchange for citizenship, scrapping climate change talks in favor of “a very exclusive barbecue,” and declaring Twitter (sorry, X) the new Department of Truth. Trump has denied these claims, saying through gritted teeth, “These are all lies. Except the barbecue one. I think people will love it. Best barbecue.”
“Honestly, who needs stability when you’ve got THIS level of entertainment?” asked political commentator Felicia Crankshaft, as she adjusted her clown wig for live TV coverage.
### Conclusion: Good Luck Out There
As we buckle up for 2025, the collective wisdom from economists and experts worldwide boils down to this: Nobody has a single damn clue what’s going to happen, AI might be your boss by mid-year, global economies could collapse over Pokémon cards, and Trump might just rename Thursday to “TremendousDay.”
“But hey,” Dr. Furlpickle noted with an optimistic shrug. “At least we’re all in this together. You, me, and our future AI overlords! Cheers to 2025.”
