Boris Johnson’s Bold Runway Protest Plan Involves Lawn Chair, Thermos of Muckefuck, and “Strategic Napping”
In a bold return to his favorite pastime of Making Promises No One Asked ForTM, former Prime Minister Boris Johnson has hinted he may finally fulfill his infamous 2015 vow to “lie down in front of the bulldozers” should Heathrow’s much-debated third runway see the light of day. When pressed for details, Johnson clarified that his interpretation of “lying down” involved a collapsible lawn chair, a tartan blanket, and what he described as “an artisanal thermos of Muckefuck, the German anti-coffee I’ve decided represents my disdain for modernity.”
The third runway, which proponents argue will drive economic growth and opponents claim will drive pollution levels to “Cheech and Chong on tour” levels, has reignited controversy this week after Rachel Reeves called it a “hard decision, but good for growth.” For Johnson, the controversy represents the perfect opportunity to stage the kind of performative protest only rivaled by a toddler staging a hunger strike until snack time.
“I’ll be there sharp at 11:30—provided the bulldozers arrive fashionably late,” said Johnson during an impromptu press conference at his local Pret a Manger. “I have no intention of stopping progress, as long as progress looks me squarely in the eye and has a bloody good sense of humor about it.”
Meanwhile, British citizens eye the Muckefuck reference with cautious curiosity. The German term, which charmingly translates to “fake coffee,” has inspired a national debate over whether it explains not only the UK’s inexplicable fixation on instant coffee but also Johnson’s entire political career. “I thought it was a new Starbucks menu item when I heard it,” admitted Linda Tasker, a Heathrow local. “Honestly, I was just excited about the possibility of a seasonal latte.”
High-street coffee chains are already taking notes. “Our marketing team is throwing around ideas for a ‘Muckefuck Mocha’ special,” confessed a Costa Coffee insider. “It’s weak, bitter, and full of froth. Unmistakably British.”
Environmental groups, however, remain unconvinced by Johnson’s circus act. “Where was this energy when he was actually in office?” demanded a Greenpeace spokesperson. “Your lawn chair protest doesn’t exactly negate decades of political gaslighting. Also, is he even allowed to sit that close to heavy machinery?”
As debates rage, multiple sources confirm that Heathrow’s third runway faces significant delays—not due to political pushback, but because no one, least of all the folks operating the bulldozers, can stomach the thought of running over Boris Johnson accidentally-on-purpose. “It’s just such a tightrope,” admitted one construction worker. “Accidentally injuring a former PM? PR nightmare. But letting him actually lie there undisturbed? That feels like enabling.”
For now, Johnson’s strategy includes what he calls “strategic napping” beneath a makeshift tarp, ornamental protests at lunchtime, and perfecting the art of looking busy while not actually stopping anything. Brussels sprouts, beans on toast, and lukewarm Muckefuck are rumored to be his sustenance of choice during this arduous ordeal.
Meanwhile, citizens across the UK are placing bets on whether Johnson will even remember to show up. “He’s not exactly known for seeing things all the way through, is he?” observed Trimdon Grange resident Jim McManners, who’s been waiting since 2015 to see what Johnson lying down in front of *any* bulldozer might look like. “But hey, if nothing else, maybe the German fake coffee will finally steal the spotlight. Honestly, even that would be more satisfying than this runway manure.”
