BRITISH DEFENSE FIRM BOLDLY STANDS AGAINST WORLD’S WORST SPIES: “COULDN’T EVEN INFILTRATE A BIRTHDAY PARTY”
In a stunning display of national security vigilance that experts are calling “f@#king obvious,” a UK tribunal has ruled that refusing to hire Chinese and Russian citizens for sensitive defense roles isn’t racist—it’s just common sense for anyone with more brain cells than a compromised USB stick.
THE WORLD’S MOST POLITE XENOPHOBIA
Binary AI Ltd, a defense contractor whose name literally screams “we only understand zeros and ones, not complicated human emotions,” successfully argued that rejecting a Chinese applicant wasn’t discrimination but rather a brilliant strategy to avoid having their military secrets posted on whatever the Chinese equivalent of Facebook is by Tuesday afternoon.
“We’re not racist; we’re just extremely picky about who gets access to the button that could theoretically vaporize Wales,” explained company spokesperson Richard Paranoid. “Would you hire someone whose government literally has a department dedicated to stealing your intellectual property? That’s like inviting a kleptomaniac to guard your jewelry store.”
NATIONAL SECURITY EXPERTS WEIGH IN, MOSTLY WITH HEAVY SIGHS
Dr. Obvious Truth, head of the Institute for Stating the Bloody Obvious, told our reporters: “This ruling essentially confirms what we’ve known since the Cold War—sometimes stereotyping isn’t racism; it’s just international relations with a sprinkle of common sense.”
The tribunal’s decision has been celebrated by 97% of people who have watched at least one James Bond film and now consider themselves counterintelligence experts.
“HOSTILE STATES” LIST CURIOUSLY INCLUDES FRANCE
In a shocking appendix to the ruling, sources confirm that the UK’s list of “hostile states” surprisingly includes France, “just because they’re French,” and Florida, which one intelligence officer described as “not technically a foreign state but definitely hostile to rational thought.”
The Chinese applicant, who wishes to remain anonymous for reasons that are absolutely not suspicious at all, reportedly told friends: “I just wanted to work on top-secret military technology for Britain while maintaining close ties to Beijing. Is that so wrong?”
SECURITY CLEARANCE PROCESS NOW JUST ASKING “ARE YOU A SPY?” THREE TIMES REALLY FAST
The tribunal’s ruling has streamlined UK security protocols, which previously involved extensive background checks but will now simply require applicants to pinky-promise they won’t steal state secrets.
“We’ve found asking people directly if they’re spies while watching their eyes very carefully is 43% more effective than actual background checks,” claimed Professor Idon Tcare of the University of Making Sh!t Up. “Spies always blink twice and look slightly to the left.”
WHAT THIS MEANS FOR THE FUTURE OF INTERNATIONAL ESPIONAGE
Security experts predict this landmark ruling will force hostile nations to adopt more sophisticated infiltration techniques, like having their spies grow really convincing mustaches or pretend to be extremely enthusiastic about Marmite.
“This is a devastating blow to international espionage,” lamented Vladimir Notaspy, who insisted on being interviewed while wearing a “I ❤️ THE QUEEN” t-shirt and standing in front of a Union Jack. “I mean… how terrible for those… other people who are spies. Which I am not.”
At press time, Binary AI Ltd was reportedly developing a new hiring test that involves making applicants say “I love democracy and hate authoritarian regimes” while hooked up to a lie detector that may or may not just be a toaster with Christmas lights attached to it.
