TECH BILLIONAIRE DOWNSIZES COMPANY TO FIT INSIDE PRECIOUS BEARD SPACE
In a shocking move that has Silicon Valley questioning the structural integrity of facial hair as office space, Jack Dorsey’s Block announced plans to evict nearly 1,000 employees from their jobs and into the cold, unforgiving wasteland known as “the actual economy.”
OPERATION “SMALLER BLOCK” REVEALED TO BE DORSEY’S ATTEMPT TO FIT ENTIRE COMPANY IN TINY SQUARE LOGO
Dorsey, who famously abandoned Twitter before it became a digital dumpster fire where facts go to die, informed employees of their impending career death via email titled “smaller block”—a phrase that employees initially mistook for a new cryptocurrency initiative but turned out to be corporate-speak for “get the f@#k out.”
“We’re streamlining operations to better align with our vision of helping fewer people do fewer things with money,” explained Dorsey through a spokesperson who was actively updating their LinkedIn profile during the interview.
EXPERTS WEIGH IN ON DORSEY’S REVOLUTIONARY “LESS IS MORE” APPROACH TO EMPLOYMENT
Dr. Firr Ing Spree, professor of Inevitable Capitalist Outcomes at the University of Obvious Consequences, praised the move. “This is brilliant really. Most companies waste resources trying to grow. Dorsey has discovered you can achieve the same stock bump by just firing people and keeping the same amount of money.”
According to entirely fabricated statistics, companies that reduce their workforce by at least 10% experience a 76% increase in CEO meditation time and a 94% improvement in ability to justify buying another private island.
THE HUMAN COST OF BECOMING A “SMALLER BLOCK”
Former employees, many of whom foolishly thought working at a payments company meant job security, expressed mixed emotions.
“On one hand, I lost my job. On the other hand, I no longer have to pretend I understand what the hell blockchain actually is,” said one newly unemployed software engineer who requested anonymity because they “still want to work in this godforsaken industry.”
Another laid-off worker noted, “Jack sent the layoff email while on day 27 of a water-only fast in a cave in Nepal. The worst part is he ended it with ‘Sent from my iPhone’ like a goddamn psychopath.”
INNOVATIVE COST-CUTTING MEASURES INCLUDE MOVING 200 MANAGERS TO NON-MANAGEMENT ROLES
In what industry analyst Sally Paycut calls “demotional opportunities,” nearly 200 Block managers will be stripped of their titles faster than Twitter was stripped of its credibility.
“We’re not demoting them,” clarified Chief People Dispersal Officer Donna Firealot. “We’re giving them the chance to remember what actual work feels like after years of scheduling pointless meetings and asking people to circle back.”
THE FUTURE OF BLOCK: SMALLER, LEANER, EMPTIER
When reached for comment, Dorsey, communicating through a series of cryptic smoke signals from his minimalist compound, explained that a smaller Block was actually the plan all along.
“In Zen Buddhism, emptiness is fullness. In corporate America, emptiness is higher profit margins,” he didn’t actually say but definitely thought while staring meaningfully into the distance.
As of press time, 87% of remaining employees were reportedly updating their résumés while the other 13% were calculating how long they could survive on CashApp transfers from sympathetic friends before needing to move back in with their parents.
Industry experts predict Block’s next revolutionary move will be renaming the company “Dot” and reducing staff to just Dorsey himself, tweeting from a yurt made entirely of sustainable bamboo and the crushed dreams of former employees.
