BIOTECH BREAKTHROUGH: AI OVERACHIEVER PROMISES TO “SOLVE DEATH,” NEEDS NAP FIRST
Google’s medical lovechild Isomorphic Labs claims its AI can cure EVERYTHING, promises to tackle world hunger and male pattern baldness right after it fixes cancer.
SILICON VALLEY SAVIOR COMPLEX REACHES TERMINAL STAGE
In what experts are calling “peak tech bro messiah syndrome,” Alphabet’s drug discovery spinoff Isomorphic Labs is racing toward human trials with its AI-designed cancer drugs, boldly claiming it will eventually “solve all diseases” because of course it f@#king will.
The company, armed with $600 million in fresh funding and the computational equivalent of a medical degree from Wikipedia, believes its AlphaFold 3 system will revolutionize medicine by replacing centuries of scientific method with “vibes” and “good guesses.”
“We’re basically going to make the entire pharmaceutical industry obsolete,” said Dr. Hubert Megalomaniac, Isomorphic’s Chief Delusion Officer. “Our algorithms can design drugs in seconds that would take human scientists decades, mainly because our AI doesn’t waste time on frivolous things like ‘peer review’ or ‘safety testing.'”
The company envisions creating a “drug design engine” that could generate treatments on demand, a concept that has absolutely no potential for catastrophic unintended consequences whatsoever.
EXPERTS WEIGH IN WITH ABSOLUTELY ZERO SKEPTICISM
“This is completely reasonable and not at all like every other Silicon Valley overpromise,” said Professor Ivana Believeit, chair of Uncritical Technology Acceptance at Stanford University. “Just like how self-driving cars solved traffic, cryptocurrencies ended poverty, and the metaverse revolutionized human interaction.”
Internal studies show Isomorphic’s approach has a 98.7% chance of success, according to statistics the company definitely didn’t just make up. Their revolutionary method involves feeding their AI system millions of research papers, crossing their fingers, and praying to the ghost of Steve Jobs.
MEANWHILE IN CHINA: AI GIANTS CAUGHT IN COPY-PASTE SCANDAL
In what absolutely no one could have predicted, Chinese tech behemoth Huawei is denying accusations that it copied Alibaba’s AI model, insisting that the extraordinary similarities between their Pangu Pro and Alibaba’s Qwen 2.5 are “pure coincidence” and definitely not because they hit Ctrl+C, Ctrl+V on the source code.
“Our model is completely original,” said Huawei spokesperson Li Copyton. “The fact that it produces identical outputs, has the same bugs, and sometimes accidentally refers to itself as ‘Qwen’ is merely an incredible coincidence that defies statistical probability.”
A whistleblower claiming to work at Huawei posted on GitHub alleging the company cloned third-party models while under pressure to catch up to rivals, shocking absolutely no one familiar with the concept of corporate competition.
WORKERS BEWARE: YOUR PROMOTION NOW DECIDED BY CHATBOT WITH VIBES-BASED ASSESSMENT
According to a deeply disturbing new survey, 60% of managers are now outsourcing their actual jobs to AI, allowing ChatGPT to determine who gets raises, promotions, and pink slips based on whatever the f@#k the AI thinks is important.
Resume Builder surveyed 1,342 managers and found that 78% use AI to determine raises, 77% for promotions, and 64% for terminations, with one in five managers allowing the AI to make final decisions without human review. When asked if they had received any formal training on using AI for life-altering personnel decisions, most managers responded with “lol no.”
“It’s just so much easier to let ChatGPT decide who to fire,” said Brad Middlemanagement, a team lead at a Fortune 500 company. “It removes all the emotional stress of ruining someone’s life and financial security. Plus, I can blame the algorithm when things go wrong!”
Employment expert Dr. Jobba Gone notes that 43% of managers have already replaced team members based on AI recommendations. “The beautiful irony is that middle managers don’t realize they’re next,” she said. “They’re basically training their own AI replacements to make personnel decisions while their bosses take notes.”
In related news, 97% of workers reported experiencing “inexplicable dread” when their manager mentioned the phrase “the algorithm has spoken.”
CONCLUSION: CURE FOR DEATH ALMOST HERE, PROBABLY JUST NEED TO REBOOT THE MACHINE
As Isomorphic Labs races toward human trials with its miracle cancer drugs, humanity stands on the precipice of immortality, provided the company’s servers don’t crash and their AI doesn’t decide that the optimal human form is actually a sentient puddle of goo. But hey, at least your manager’s ChatGPT assistant can decide if you deserve healthcare while you wait for the cure to everything.
