TECH BILLIONAIRES CLAIM “OPTIMISM” WHILE SECRETLY BUILDING BUNKERS FOR INEVITABLE APOCALYPSE THEY’RE CAUSING
In what can only be described as the ultimate “f@#k you” to humanity, Silicon Valley billionaires are reportedly maintaining an “optimistic outlook” about the future while simultaneously constructing elaborate doomsday bunkers equipped with everything from freeze-dried wagyu beef to underwater escape pods.
BILLIONAIRES REDEFINE “OPTIMISM” AS “HAVING ENOUGH MONEY TO SURVIVE THE COLLAPSE YOU HELPED CREATE”
While the rest of us scroll through climate disaster news with the emotional resilience of wet toilet paper, tech moguls are busy redefining optimism for the rest of us plebeians. Their groundbreaking definition? Having enough money to not give a sh!t.
“I’m incredibly hopeful about the future,” said Elon “Totally Not Building A Mars Escape Pod” Musk, while reportedly finalizing plans for a bunker complex that could withstand everything from nuclear winter to zombie apocalypse. “Technology will save us all,” he added, without specifying whether “all” includes people who can’t afford a $49.99 monthly subscription to oxygen.
POLYCRISIS MEETS POLY-DELUSION
Scientists have a fancy new term for our current predicament: “polycrisis,” which roughly translates to “we’re f@#ked in multiple ways simultaneously.” But tech billionaires have countered with their own term: poly-delusion, the ability to simultaneously acknowledge impending doom while convincing yourself you’ll personally be fine.
“Studies show that 97% of billionaire optimism correlates directly with having enough money to build private islands with laser defense systems,” explains Dr. Obvious Contradiction, head of the Department of Wealth Psychology at the University of Common Sense. “The remaining 3% is attributed to microdosing psychedelics while reading Ayn Rand.”
RETIREMENT PLANS DIVERGE DRASTICALLY BY INCOME BRACKET
A recent survey revealed startling differences in retirement planning across income levels. While 87% of millennials list “civilizational collapse” as their primary retirement strategy, billionaires are more diversified with options including “upload consciousness to the cloud,” “establish feudal techno-kingdom,” and “become God-Emperor of Mars.”
“It’s actually quite simple,” explains financial advisor Professor Cash McPrivilege. “Most people invest in 401ks; billionaires invest in personal survival arks. Potato, potahto.”
THE SECRET INGREDIENT IS COGNITIVE DISSONANCE
The truly remarkable skill demonstrated by tech elites isn’t their coding ability or business acumen, but rather their Olympic-level cognitive dissonance. They’ve mastered the art of simultaneously creating the tools that accelerate societal collapse while positioning themselves as humanity’s saviors.
“What we’re witnessing is truly unprecedented levels of self-delusion,” says Dr. Reality Check, author of “Billionaires Who Think They’re Tony Stark But Are Actually Just Rich Assh@les.” “They’ve created a mental firewall that blocks out the connection between their actions and consequences with 99.9% efficiency.”
Sources close to several tech billionaires report that their underground bunkers include features like artificial sunlight, hydroponic gardens, and holographic nature simulators, allowing them to experience the outdoors they helped destroy from the safety of their radiation-proof fortresses.
As civilization teeters on the brink of multiple existential threats, one thing remains abundantly clear: the people most optimistic about our future are the same ones with the resources to escape it entirely. How’s that for a retirement plan?
