BILLIONAIRE LABOR DONOR THREATENS TO TAKE TOYS HOME AFTER GOVERNMENT FAILS TO POLISH HIS YACHT
RICH MAN SUDDENLY REMEMBERS WHY HE LIKED TORIES
In a shocking turn of events that has rocked absolutely nobody with more than three functioning brain cells, billionaire Phones 4u founder John Caudwell has announced he’s getting “increasingly nervous” about the Labour government he financially backed, primarily because they haven’t immediately implemented policies to make him even f@#king richer.
Caudwell, whose net worth could solve homelessness in seventeen small countries, expressed his “deep concern” that the government might consider asking people with more money than God to contribute slightly more to society.
“A wealth tax would be absolutely devastating,” said Caudwell, speaking from one of his fourteen bathrooms entirely tiled with endangered turtle shells. “How can the economy possibly grow if I can’t add another helicopter to my collection? It’s basic economics, people.”
BILLIONAIRE DISCOVERS CONSCIENCE ONLY AFTER POTENTIAL TAX IMPLICATIONS
Sources close to Caudwell report that the business magnate became physically ill when considering the possibility of paying an additional 2% tax, requiring immediate treatment at his in-home hospital wing staffed by doctors he keeps on retainer.
“Mr. Caudwell experienced severe distress at the thought of only being able to buy 98 Lamborghinis this year instead of 100,” explained Dr. Moni Hoarder, Caudwell’s personal physician and financial sympathy consultant.
The billionaire also described Labour’s winter fuel payment cuts as a “fiasco,” showing remarkable concern for the elderly now that it’s politically convenient, despite previously supporting a party whose austerity measures caused an estimated 57,000 excess deaths.
AREA MAN WORTH £1.5 BILLION SUDDENLY CONCERNED ABOUT NATIONAL FINANCES
“I’m in absolute despair of politicians,” said Caudwell, who has previously donated millions to political parties in what witnesses describe as “definitely not attempting to influence policy in his favor.”
Professor Obvious McClassic, head of Billionaire Psychology at the University of No Sh!t Sherlock, explains: “What we’re seeing is a textbook case of ‘Affluenza Politica’ — the psychological condition where extremely wealthy individuals believe governments should simultaneously cut their taxes while providing gold-plated services and infrastructure that primarily benefit them.”
A government spokesperson responded to Caudwell’s concerns: “We appreciate Mr. Caudwell’s feedback and have immediately scheduled seventeen emergency meetings to discuss how we can better serve his specific interests. We’ve also ordered a study on how to replace winter fuel payments with ‘thoughts and prayers,’ which preliminary research shows costs absolutely f@#king nothing.”
NATION SHOCKED AS RICH PERSON PRIORITIZES OWN WEALTH OVER SOCIAL GOOD
In related news, 99.9% of the British public expressed shock and dismay upon discovering that a billionaire might care more about his own financial interests than the collective wellbeing of society.
“I’m absolutely gobsmacked,” said Janet Williams, 42, from Leeds. “You mean to tell me that a man who accumulated more wealth than most people could spend in 500 lifetimes isn’t primarily concerned with creating an equitable society? Next you’ll be telling me that water is wet or that Boris Johnson occasionally lies.”
When asked what would make him feel more comfortable with the Labour government, Caudwell suggested “perhaps eliminating all taxes for people whose last names rhyme with ‘Schmaudwell’ and nationalizing any business competing with mine.”
As of press time, Caudwell was reportedly looking into buying a small island nation where he could establish his own government with a constitution consisting solely of the phrase “No Takesies From John’s Money, Pinky Promise.”
