MIT Accepts Yet Another Ridiculously Large Check, Names Yet Another Room After A Billionaire
In a shocking turn of events, MIT has once again discovered what happens when you name a building after a billionaire—another billionaire shows up with a check. This time, the donor is Sebastian Man, an alumnus, business mogul, and walking embodiment of that one dad who insists on paying for dinner… and then pays for the whole restaurant.
Man’s contribution to the MIT Schwarzman College of Computing has earned him more than just a heartfelt LinkedIn post from the Institute. In recognition of his generosity, a “key space” in the lavish new computing headquarters has been named in his honor, ensuring that future computer science students will forever ponder, “Who the hell is Sebastian Man?” while they struggle with their AI ethics homework.
MIT, an institution with no known history of turning down large sums of cash, hosted a celebratory luncheon in Hong Kong to mark the occasion. MIT Chancellor for Academic Advancement W. Eric L. Grimson gushed over Man’s “many important volunteer roles” at the university, which reportedly include expertly deploying millions of dollars into MIT’s eagerly awaiting bank account.
“This new building is a home for the MIT community and a home for the people shaping the future of computing and AI,” declared Dean Daniel Huttenlocher, indirectly confirming that spaces without billionaire-backed donations do not, in fact, count as part of the MIT community.
Stephen Schwarzman, the college’s original financial overlord, even appeared via video message to express his delight. “When we first decided to slap my name on an entire college, MIT said it was reshaping itself for the future,” Schwarzman remarked. “Now, that future has arrived so fast that even I’m shocked at how quickly money can speed things up.”
Man, in his own remarks, credited MIT for giving him “unending intellectual curiosity and a love for the unknown,” which is billionaire-speak for, “This place gave me the skills to absolutely crush the competition in kitchen appliances.” He also shared a touching lesson from his father: “One should always be grateful to those people and places that help you become who you are today,” which explains why his check was made out to MIT instead of, say, the world’s struggling public schools.
As MIT continues to expand its collection of billionaire-branded spaces, experts predict that by 2050, the university will rename its entire campus one wealthy patron at a time. Future students may walk from the Taylor Swift Center for Quantum Physics to the Kim Kardashian Deep Learning Auditorium before stopping by the Jeff Bezos Memorial Cafeteria to enjoy a thoughtfully overpriced sandwich.
But for now, MIT remains committed to its mission: shaping the future of computing, molding the world’s brightest minds, and making absolutely certain that no building ever goes unnamed… as long as the check clears.
