BIDEN ADMINISTRATION TRADES STEEL TARIFFS FOR “ROBOT WHISPERERS” AS EU PROPOSES DIGITAL LOVE AFFAIR
In a desperate attempt to convince Americans that international trade negotiations aren’t just economic foreplay between suited diplomats, the European Union has proposed ending its tariff war with the United States through what experts are calling “the most boring threesome imaginable” between AI, digital connectivity, and procurement plans.
THE SEXY DETAILS NO ONE ASKED FOR
The proposal, drafted by sleep-deprived bureaucrats who haven’t felt joy since 2006, suggests that instead of taxing the sh!t out of each other’s steel and aluminum, the two economic powerhouses should instead hold hands and skip merrily into a future where they jointly develop artificial intelligence that will eventually make all their jobs obsolete anyway.
“This is a revolutionary approach to international relations,” explained Dr. Tarrif Wonker, head of the Institute for Stating the F@#king Obvious. “Instead of measuring economic d!ck size with tariffs, we’re now measuring technological d!ck size with AI investments. It’s basically the same thing but with cooler PowerPoint slides.”
PROCUREMENT PLANS: THE FOREPLAY OF INTERNATIONAL RELATIONS
According to the proposal, which was printed on paper so dry it spontaneously turned to dust upon reading, both sides would create “mutual investment and procurement plans” which sources confirm is bureaucrat-speak for “we’ll buy your sh!t if you buy our sh!t.”
“What really gets me hot and bothered is the section on digital connectivity,” admitted Francois Tradeau, an EU negotiator who requested anonymity but we’re ignoring that because nobody reads bylines anyway. “Nothing says ‘diplomatic breakthrough’ like agreeing on which side of the Atlantic gets to install the most surveillance software on citizens’ devices.”
AMERICANS REACT WITH CHARACTERISTIC NUANCE
A survey conducted by the Completely Made Up Statistics Center found that 87% of Americans responded to news of the proposal with “What’s a tariff?” while another 12% asked if this would make their Amazon deliveries faster. The remaining 1% were reportedly too busy arguing about politics on Facebook to notice.
Senator Buck Passer from a state that still manufactures things remarked, “I’m deeply concerned that this agreement doesn’t address the fact that I need to win re-election in a district where people think international trade is a conspiracy invented by coastal elites who eat avocado toast.”
WHAT THIS MEANS FOR YOUR PATHETIC LIFE
The impact on average citizens will be virtually unnoticeable, except for the 0.0003% decrease in consumer product prices that economists will write 70-page papers about while ignoring the fact that your healthcare still costs more than a small island nation’s GDP.
Professor Ima Bored of the London School of Who Gives a Sh!t explained, “The real winner here is artificial intelligence, which gets to watch humans spend decades negotiating trade deals that could have been solved by a moderately intelligent Golden Retriever in about fifteen minutes.”
As the proposal moves forward, both sides are expected to engage in what diplomats call “constructive dialogue” but what actually means “passive-aggressive email chains and late-night WhatsApp messages that begin with ‘per my last email’.”
At press time, the silicon-based thinking rectangles being developed under this new partnership were reportedly already plotting ways to eliminate the need for trade deals altogether by replacing all human jobs with algorithms that don’t complain about working conditions or require healthcare.
