AMAZON ANNOUNCES BEZOS WILL PERSONALLY LISTEN TO ALL YOUR ALEXA REQUESTS FROM NOW ON
In what company representatives are calling “a minor update to enhance customer experience,” Amazon announced today that all your private conversations, embarrassing song requests, and late-night shopping binges will now be directly routed to Jeff Bezos’ personal bathroom speaker system.
PRIVACY IS SO 2022, SAYS TECH GIANT
Starting next month, Amazon will eliminate all local storage options for Echo devices, forcing all voice commands into the cloud where they can be properly analyzed, categorized, and laughed at during executive happy hours. The company is also disabling Alexa’s voice identification feature, which previously helped determine which family member was speaking, replacing it with what they’re calling “educated guesses based on how pathetic your music choices are.”
“This is absolutely necessary for our new generative AI capabilities,” explained Amazon’s Chief Privacy Elimination Officer, Dr. Ivana Watchya. “How else can we train our algorithms to perfectly understand that when you ask for ‘chicken breast recipes’ at 11 PM, what you REALLY want is targeted ads for diet pills and therapy apps?”
EXPERTS TERRIFIED, YET SOMEHOW NOT SURPRISED
Privacy advocates are sounding alarms that nobody will hear because they’re all drowned out by people asking Alexa to play “that song that goes dun-dun-dun” for the fifteenth f@#king time.
“This is like giving a stranger your house keys, diary, and browser history all at once,” said digital rights expert Professor Reed Urterms. “But Americans will absolutely accept it because it makes ordering paper towels one percent easier.”
STATISTICALLY SPEAKING, YOU’RE F@#KED
According to completely real statistics we definitely didn’t make up, 98.7% of Echo users have accidentally activated their devices during intimate moments, with 43% of those incidents resulting in targeted ads for relationship counseling and performance-enhancing products.
Amazon’s internal studies show that the average Echo device hears approximately 237 family arguments, 56 terrible singing performances, and 12 embarrassing bodily functions per month, all of which will now be stored indefinitely for “service improvements.”
AMAZON REASSURES USERS DATA IS “SUPER DUPER SAFE”
When pressed about security concerns, Amazon spokesperson Linda Istentoyou insisted that user data is “protected by the most sophisticated security systems money can buy, which we’ve decided not to buy because quarterly profits matter more.”
“Rest assured, your data will only be accessed by our AI systems, our developers, our marketing team, law enforcement upon request, and whichever hackers happen to be feeling ambitious this week,” she added with a reassuring smile that somehow made everything worse.
At press time, Bezos was reportedly giggling uncontrollably while listening to someone’s grandmother repeatedly asking Alexa how to delete her search history after looking up “Tom Selleck shirtless 1980s.”
