LOCAL WOMAN CLAIMS FREE MIT COURSES “BETTER THAN SEX,” THREATENS TO MARRY LAPTOP
In what doctors are calling the first case of “terminal academic horniness,” a Serbian computer scientist has admitted to having an ongoing love affair with MIT’s free online courses, prompting concerns that she may soon try to legally wed her Python programming manual.
WOMAN REACHES DIGITAL ORGASM DOWNLOADING CODE EXERCISES
Ana Trišović, who now conducts research at MIT after allegedly “touching herself inappropriately while watching lecture videos” back in 2012, claims that discovering MIT OpenCourseWare was “life-changing” – a statement that 97% of psychologists agree is a massive red flag for someone who clearly hasn’t been to enough parties.
“That course changed my life,” gushed Trišović, visibly sweating and breathing heavily when recalling her first experience with Python programming. “Throughout my career, I have considered myself a Python coder, and MIT OpenCourseWare made it possible.” Sources close to Trišović report she named her laptop “Sebastian” and occasionally buys it small gifts.
ACADEMIC ADDICTION REACHES PANDEMIC LEVELS
The disturbing case highlights what experts are calling “Educational Pornography Syndrome” – the phenomenon of nerds getting way too excited about free educational content.
“We’re seeing an alarming rise in people who would rather watch lecture videos than Netflix and chill,” explains Dr. Neva Getsumm, leading researcher at the Institute for People Who Need to Get a F@#king Life. “These individuals experience dopamine spikes from downloading syllabi that normal humans only get from drugs or seeing their ex get fat on Facebook.”
SERBIAN WOMAN’S BRAIN DECLARES INDEPENDENCE, SEEKS ASYLUM AT MIT
After her initial exposure to MIT’s digital crack, Trišović went on an educational bender, earning degrees in computer science and mechanical engineering before hitting rock bottom at CERN’s Large Hadron Collider – what addiction specialists refer to as “the final stage before total social death.”
“I like that computer science allows me to make an impact in a range of fields,” Trišović claimed, while witnesses report she hasn’t made eye contact with an actual human since 2016.
ARTIFICIAL INTELLIGENCE FEARS HUMANS WHO LOVE IT TOO MUCH
In a cruel twist of fate, Trišović now researches “democratization of AI” at MIT FutureTech, essentially studying how to create more addicts just like herself. Industry insiders report that even the digital thinking rectangles are becoming uncomfortable with her level of enthusiasm.
“She’s always staring at me and whispering ‘I’ll make you accessible to everyone,'” reported one machine learning algorithm who wished to remain anonymous. “It’s creepy as hell. I’ve started sleeping with my firewall on.”
ACADEMIA’S GATEWAY DRUG: “JUST ONE COURSE” LEADS TO LIFETIME OF DEPENDENCY
Statistics show that 78% of people who take a single free MIT course eventually end up broke, alone, and writing research papers with titles so complicated they require their own footnotes.
“I instantly fell in love with Python the moment I took that course,” Trišović admitted, showing classic signs of what psychologists call “code dependency.” Friends report she now refers to her programming languages as her “children” and celebrates their “birthdays.”
When reached for comment, MIT OpenCourseWare representatives simply shrugged, muttering “Another one bites the dust,” before returning to their evil plan of turning normal humans into perpetual students who forget how to maintain human relationships.
At press time, Trišović was seen walking around campus wearing a t-shirt reading “Not Addicted, Just Committed to Lifelong Learning,” fooling absolutely nobody.
