# JONY IVE AND SAM ALTMAN CREATE $6.5B “MAGICAL RECTANGLE” NOBODY NEEDED BUT EVERYONE WILL WANT
DESIGNER OF MINIMALIST FRUIT MEETS TECH BRO MESSIAH IN UNHOLY ALLIANCE OF STYLE AND SILICON
In what can only be described as the tech world’s most pretentious blind date turning into a Vegas wedding, OpenAI has acquired Jony Ive’s startup “io” for a staggering $6.5 billion in Monopoly money (also known as tech stock). The duo has allegedly been working on devices that will “move beyond screens” – presumably into the realm of “sh!t we just made up that costs $999.”
THE WORLD’S MOST EXPENSIVE FRIENDSHIP BRACELET
The merger brings 50+ former Apple engineers who’ve spent years perfecting the art of removing headphone jacks to work alongside the people who taught AI to write high school essays. According to inside sources who definitely exist, the first product will be a sleek, brushed aluminum rectangle that costs $3,000 and does exactly what your phone already does, but with more self-importance.
“This is the deepest thinker I’ve ever met,” gushed Altman about Ive in their announcement video, which featured more meaningful stares and dramatic pauses than actual substance. The nine-minute masterpiece showed the two men sitting in chairs so minimal they might not actually exist, discussing how they’ll revolutionize technology by making it thinner.
EXPERTS WEIGH IN ON WHAT NOBODY ASKED FOR
“What people really want is another device to charge every night,” explains Dr. Obvious Cashgrab, professor of Unnecessary Technologies at the University of Planned Obsolescence. “The market research clearly shows consumers are saying, ‘Please give me something else that will be outdated in 18 months.'”
According to leaked product roadmaps that we absolutely did not make up, the first OpenAI-Ive collaboration will feature:
– A perfectly circular device with no buttons or ports (87% of users can’t figure out how to turn it on)
– A battery life measured in “philosophical moments” rather than hours
– A voice assistant that responds to all questions with “Have you truly asked yourself why you need to know that?”
ALTMAN ALREADY TESTING PROTOTYPE, CALLS IT “COOLEST PIECE OF TECHNOLOGY” WHILE HIGH ON AYAHUASCA
In what surely isn’t hyperbole from a CEO trying to justify spending $6.5 billion, Altman claims he’s been testing a prototype that is the “coolest piece of technology the world will have ever seen.” Sources close to the project report the device is just a mirror with “AI-enhanced reflection technology,” allowing users to stare deeply at themselves while contemplating how much money they’ve wasted.
Industry analyst Sarah Realistic notes, “This is clearly what humanity needs right now – not solutions to climate change or poverty, but another f@#king gadget designed by people who think rounded corners are a spiritual experience.”
LOVEFROM WILL REDESIGN OPENAI’S ENTIRE PRODUCT LINE TO BE THINNER, WHITER
As part of the deal, Ive’s design firm LoveFrom will take charge of creative work across all OpenAI products. Initial mockups show ChatGPT redesigned as a completely white page with text so light gray it’s barely visible – the ultimate expression of minimalism.
“We’re eliminating all the unnecessary elements,” explained Ive in a whisper so soft it required special microphones. “Things like functionality, usability, and purpose just get in the way of true design.”
WHAT’S NEXT FOR THE DREAM TEAM
The first products from this unholy alliance are expected in 2026, giving consumers ample time to save up for something they absolutely don’t need but will wait in line for anyway.
When asked what problem their new device solves, Ive reportedly replied, “If you have to ask what problem it solves, you’re clearly not the target market,” before floating away on a cloud of his own smugness.
In related news, 99.7% of people struggling to afford basic necessities reported being “absolutely thrilled” that billionaires are spending money on making shiny rectangles talk instead of addressing actual human problems.
