MAN WITH ACTUAL TALENT FINDS JOB; STATISTICIANS DECLARE IT “STATISTICAL ANOMALY BORDERING ON SUPERNATURAL EVENT”
In what experts are calling the “employment equivalent of spotting Bigfoot riding the Loch Ness Monster,” two nearly-graduated chemistry students have reportedly secured actual employment, sending shockwaves through the job market and causing mass hysteria among economists.
SCIENTISTS SCRAMBLE TO EXPLAIN RARE PHENOMENON
“We haven’t documented a successful job application since 2022,” said Dr. Hopeless Prospect, director of the Institute for F@#ked Futures. “We’ve dispatched a team to verify these claims and determine if these so-called ’employed people’ are actually elaborate holograms or paid actors.”
The alleged job-havers, both chemistry students, somehow managed to penetrate a system where thousands of desperate applicants hurl their digital résumés into what employment experts describe as “a bottomless void of despair and automated rejection emails.”
JOB MARKET NOW OFFICIALLY MORE COMPETITIVE THAN HUNGER GAMES
Current job posting statistics reveal the average entry-level position now attracts approximately 2,000 applicants, 1,998 of whom will be ghosted harder than a Tinder date who mentioned they still live with their parents.
“The modern job application process is beautifully efficient,” explains corporate recruitment specialist Emma Ploymenthell. “AI writes the applications, AI reads the applications, and humans are completely removed from the equation, just as God and Jeff Bezos intended.”
NETWORKING OFFICIALLY DECLARED ONLY PATH TO EMPLOYMENT
Career counselor Rich Parents confirmed that “who you know” has officially replaced “what you know” as the primary qualification for employment.
“Your resume could list that you single-handedly cured cancer while simultaneously negotiating peace in the Middle East, but without a connection, you’ll still lose the job to the CEO’s nephew who thinks Excel is something you do at the gym,” Parents explained.
EXPERTS RECOMMEND ALTERNATIVE STRATEGIES
With traditional applications now statistically less effective than trying to pay rent with Monopoly money, experts suggest several alternatives:
“Consider building a time machine to travel back to the 1950s when jobs were plentiful,” suggests futurist Dr. Bleak Outlook. “Or perhaps develop telekinetic powers to control the mind of a hiring manager. Both have roughly the same success rate as applying online.”
Studies show 97.3% of recent job placements resulted from “knowing a guy who knows a guy,” while only 0.004% came from actually having relevant skills and experience.
HUMANITY’S WORTH QUESTIONED AS ALGORITHMS TAKE OVER
“We’ve created the perfect system,” gloated Silicon Valley technopreneur Chip Synapse. “Humans write algorithms that write resumes that are read by algorithms that reject humans. It’s the circle of life, if life were a Kafka novel written by Satan.”
At press time, the two employed chemistry graduates were being studied by anthropologists as the last known specimens of Homo employus, a species previously thought extinct since the great LinkedIn purge of 2023.
