BANKS CLAIM THEY’RE “DOING AI” BUT ACTUALLY JUST INSTALLED CLIPPY ON JANITOR’S LAPTOP
Financial Institutions Scramble To Convince World They’re Not Just A Bunch Of Spreadsheet-Loving Dinosaurs
SHOCKING INDUSTRY REVELATION
A groundbreaking investigation has revealed that 97% of financial institutions claiming to “leverage cutting-edge AI solutions” are actually just running Microsoft Excel macros written by the CEO’s nephew in 2004. The remaining 3% have downloaded an app that puts cat ears on their quarterly reports.
According to a survey that absolutely nobody is questioning the methodology of, banks and financial services firms across America are engaged in what experts call “technological peacocking,” desperately trying to appear technologically competent while still using computers that make dial-up noises when you turn them on.
“We’re absolutely revolutionizing the industry with our proprietary artificial intelligence solutions,” claimed Citibank CEO Michael Corbat while frantically trying to close a frozen game of Minesweeper on his desktop. “Just last week our AI platform suggested we ‘try turning it off and back on again’ and profits soared 400%.”
THE DATA DOESN’T LIE, BUT EXECUTIVES SURE DO
The survey revealed that while 89% of financial executives claim their organizations are “AI-powered,” only 12% could accurately define what AI actually is, with the most common response being “computers that think, like in that movie with the robot lady who tries to escape.”
Dr. Obvi Ousthruth, Director of the Institute for Calling Out Corporate B.S., explained: “What we’re seeing is a massive f@#king disconnect between what banks say they’re doing with AI and what they’re actually doing, which is mostly watching YouTube tutorials on how to center text in PowerPoint.”
The data shows that 78% of financial firms claiming to use “advanced neural networks for decision making” are actually just asking the Magic 8-Ball on the CFO’s desk. When pressed on data governance strategies, 65% of executives responded with “What the h€ll is data governance?”
INNOVATION OR JUST VIBES?
At JPMorgan Chase, the highly touted “quantum AI trading algorithm” was revealed to be three interns in a trench coat flipping coins. Meanwhile, Bank of America’s “predictive customer engagement platform” is actually just a sticky note reminding tellers to smile.
“Our blockchain-enabled cognitive computing platform has transformed how we approach customer service,” boasted Wells Fargo CTO Saul Figmentov, while an employee in the background struggled to print an email.
The most alarming finding showed that 91% of financial institutions claiming to use “data-driven decision making” actually just wait to see what Goldman Sachs does and then do the opposite.
Professor Ivanna Keepmyjob of the Harvard Business School commented: “The finance industry’s approach to AI is like watching your grandfather try to use TikTok. He’s very excited about it, has no idea what he’s doing, and will probably accidentally transfer his life savings to someone in another country.”
DESPERATE MEASURES FOR DESPERATE TIMES
In a last-ditch effort to appear technologically relevant, several major banks have reportedly started putting the word “algorithm” in random places throughout their offices. Bank of America recently renamed their cafeteria “The Neural Network Nutrition Node,” while Chase Bank has started referring to all bathrooms as “Data Evacuation Centers.”
One anonymous whistleblower from a “top five bank” admitted: “Last month our CEO panicked when an investor asked about our machine learning capabilities, so he quickly ordered IT to rename the printer network ‘SkyNet’ and declared mission accomplished.”
According to industry analyst Dr. Hugh Jassle, 72% of financial institutions will claim to be “quantum-ready” by 2024, despite the fact that most branch locations still have at least one computer running Windows XP.
As financial institutions continue their desperate charade of technological competence, one thing remains clear: the only thing artificial about the industry’s intelligence is their claim to having any at all.
