Bank of America Shockingly Reveals It Has Discovered AI And Machine Learning Through An Overload Of Patents
In a groundbreaking development that has left the financial industry reeling from confusion and collective yawning, Bank of America announced it has increased its collection of AI and machine learning patents by an astounding 94% over the last two years. Clearly, while scientists around the world were painstakingly advancing technology in labs, the real geniuses were secretly nestled in Bank of America’s patent filing department.
The iconic financial institution, known chiefly for ATM fees that rival the cost of a small country and customer service as legendary as a DMV visit, is now making waves in the tech world with this patent trove. Speaking to reporters while polishing a gold bar freshly minted with bank logo, a spokesperson for Bank of America, seemingly named Mr. P. A. Tent, stated, “While others worried about AI ethics and world hunger, we prioritized what truly matters: paperwork.”
Many industry experts are pondering the bank’s true motives behind this rapid patent accumulation. “It’s as if they’ve unleashed a patent-making AI inside their own offices,” said Dr. Ima Pro Cess, an AI specialist who got involved because, really, she had nothing better to do. “And it’s not just patents — rumor has it they’ve filed for patents on things like using AI to predict how long someone will wait on hold with customer service. Spoiler alert: forever.”
One particularly interesting patent application includes a cutting-edge proposal for AI technology that accurately counts every cent you lose in the couch cushions, promising to revolutionize Saturday morning change hunting across America.
In a not-so-surprising twist, Bank of America has also applied for a patent on the concept of applying for patents, a meta-move that has remarkably transformed bureaucracy into an art form. “When people ask about innovation, they think of flying cars or smartphones. But for us, it’s all about that sweet, sweet intellectual property,” Mr. Tent added, shading his eyes from the gleam of the brilliance.
Critics asked what these patents would mean for the average customer. In response, Mr. Tent chuckled and said, “Our clients can now rest assured that we’re charging them with the latest in patented efficiency. I mean, who wouldn’t pay extra for that?”
So, while NASA fights its way to Mars and scientists toil to cure diseases, Bank of America has firmly anchored its flag on the unexplored territory of patent acquisition, proving once and for all that in the world of big banking, filing cabinets, and red tape always triumph over boring things like innovation and progress. Move over, Silicon Valley; the patent warriors are here to stay.
