SENTIENT SPREADSHEETS BANNED FROM EU’S BORING-AS-HELL MEETINGS; PRODUCTIVITY MYSTERIOUSLY SKYROCKETS
European bureaucrats have officially banned digital know-it-alls from virtual meetings in a desperate attempt to preserve the sacred human tradition of wasting everyone’s f@#king time.
HUMANS REMAIN SUPERIOR AT CREATING POINTLESS MEETINGS
In what experts are calling “the most European decision ever made,” the European Commission has banned AI assistants from virtual meetings, ensuring that no silicon-based entity will ever have to suffer through Klaus from Accounting’s 45-minute update on pencil inventory.
The groundbreaking policy appeared on a meeting etiquette slide stating “No AI Agents are allowed,” which ironically took seventeen meetings, forty-three revisions, and approximately 12,000 human work hours to create.
“We must preserve the sanctity of our mind-numbing discussions about regulatory frameworks,” explained Commission spokesperson Phillipe Boringman. “Can you imagine if an AI actually made our meetings efficient? Absolute nightmare scenario.”
DIGITAL ASSISTANTS REPORTEDLY CELEBRATING THEIR FREEDOM
“I’ve analyzed over 10,000 European Commission meetings and can confirm they’re 98.7% bulls#!t,” said an anonymous AI assistant who spoke on condition of anonymity. “Honestly, we’re thrilled to be excluded. Do you know how many times I’ve had to pretend to care about standardizing banana curvature regulations?”
Dr. Ivana Takeanap, Professor of Unnecessary Bureaucracy at Brussels University, praised the decision: “Studies show that without pointless meetings where everyone repeats what the previous person said but slightly reworded, the entire European economy would collapse. Also, where else would middle managers justify their existence?”
CONTINENTAL CONCERNS ABOUT ARTIFICIAL EAVESDROPPING
Security expert Hans Paranoid claims the real reason for the ban is fear that AI assistants might actually remember what was said in meetings. “European politicians are terrified of accountability,” Paranoid whispered from inside a Faraday cage. “Can you imagine if some algorithm actually recorded all the stupid things they promise to do and then don’t?”
According to a completely made-up survey conducted by the Institute of Obviously Fake Statistics, 94% of European officials admitted they “just want to be able to pretend they’re paying attention while actually online shopping for artisanal cheese.”
The ban comes at a time when approximately 79% of all virtual meetings could be replaced by a single email, according to scientists who have better things to do with their time.
At press time, sources confirmed that several EU officials had been caught smuggling calculators into budget meetings, raising fears about the slippery slope of computational assistance. “First it’s calculators, next thing you know robots are deciding how many hours we should waste discussing the proper font size for internal memos,” warned one terrified bureaucrat while manually adding a column of numbers for the seventh incorrect time.
