VEHICLE MANUFACTURERS DISCOVER HUMANS STILL EXIST, VOW TO CONTINUE IGNORING THEM ANYWAY
MIT celebrates decade-long study proving drivers have absolutely no f@#king idea what their cars can do, continue buying them regardless
CAMBRIDGE, MA — In a stunning revelation that shocked absolutely nobody with a functioning brain stem, MIT’s Advanced Vehicle Technology Consortium celebrated ten years of discovering that consumers don’t understand a goddamn thing about their increasingly complicated cars while automakers continue adding features nobody asked for.
DRIVERS COMPLETELY CLUELESS, EXPERTS CONFIRM
After collecting “hundreds of terabytes of data” — roughly equivalent to 50,000 hours of people screaming “WHY IS MY CAR BEEPING AT ME?” — researchers concluded that most drivers view their vehicle’s technology the same way they view their spouse’s explanation of fantasy football: nodding politely while understanding absolutely nothing.
“We’ve conclusively proven that 97.3% of drivers think ‘Level 2 automation’ refers to the parking garage at the mall,” said Dr. Obvious Conclusion, lead researcher at MIT’s Department of Stating the Bleeding Obvious. “The other 2.7% are lying.”
AUTONOMOUS DRIVING: THE ENGINEER’S DREAM, YOUR INSURANCE NIGHTMARE
Industry experts gathered to discuss the future of autonomous driving, with particular focus on Level 3 technology, which allows the car to drive itself until the exact moment something goes catastrophically wrong, at which point it politely asks the human who was just watching TikTok videos to prevent a fiery death in approximately 2.3 seconds.
“Level 3 systems are an engineer’s dream and a plaintiff attorney’s next yacht,” one researcher noted, causing several lawyers in attendance to spontaneously orgasm.
REPAIR COSTS NOW EXCEED ACTUAL VALUE OF HUMAN LIVES
A panel on collision repair revealed that modern cars equipped with advanced features now cost more to fix than most people’s annual salary, primarily because bumping into a shopping cart requires recalibrating 47 different sensors designed to stop you from hitting a shopping cart.
“A simple fender bender now requires equipment that NASA would consider ‘a bit extravagant,'” explained Hami Not-Kidding-Around Ebrahimi from Caliber Collision. “We recently charged a customer $3,800 to fix a backup camera that was covered in bird sh!t.”
AVIATION SAFETY EXPERT SUGGESTS RADICAL CONCEPT: NOT KILLING PEOPLE
In what attendees described as “completely unreasonable advice,” FAA advisor Kathy Abbott suggested that the auto industry might consider adopting aviation’s radical approach of “trying really hard not to kill people” and “sharing information when things go wrong instead of burying it under 400 lawyers.”
Car manufacturers responded by unveiling plans for an exciting new subscription model where not dying costs just $29.99 a month.
AI PROMISES TO SOLVE EVERYTHING, REQUIRES ONLY YOUR IMMORTAL SOUL AS PAYMENT
Mauricio Muñoz from AI Sweden delivered a sobering message that AI won’t magically solve the industry’s problems without significant investment, domain expertise, and organizational alignment.
Industry executives immediately interpreted this as “throw money at ChatGPT until it designs a car that drives itself and makes espresso,” according to inside sources.
HONDA PLEDGES ZERO EMISSIONS, ZERO FATALITIES, ZERO F@#KS GIVEN ABOUT AFFORDABILITY
Honda representative Ryan Harty outlined the company’s ambitious plans to achieve zero environmental impact and traffic fatalities by 2040, conveniently coinciding with the exact moment Earth becomes uninhabitable.
“We’re committed to sustainability,” Harty said, “which is why our new electric vehicles will be powered exclusively by the tears of people who can’t afford them.”
INDUSTRY CALLS FOR “GLOBAL COLLABORATION” WHILE ACTIVELY SABOTAGING EACH OTHER
The event concluded with a heartfelt call for standardization and partnership across the industry, immediately followed by seventeen different companies announcing proprietary charging systems, software platforms, and sensor technologies that work exclusively with their own products.
“Success will come through partnerships,” said Bryan Reimer, AVT Consortium founder, as executives in the audience frantically texted their patent attorneys.
According to a completely fabricated study by Professor I.M. Makingthisup, 89% of attendees left the event convinced they were changing the world, while 100% of consumers continue to just want a car that doesn’t require a PhD in computer science to operate.
At press time, industry leaders were developing a groundbreaking new feature that automatically posts “thoughts and prayers” to your social media accounts the moment before your self-driving car drives you off a cliff.
