# AUSTRALIANS FINALLY COMING TO TERMS WITH FACT THAT AI MIGHT JUST BE A FANCY CALCULATOR WITH DADDY ISSUES
NATION OF TECHNOPHOBES SECRETLY RELIEVED THEY CAN FINALLY ADMIT THEY DON’T TRUST THE FANCY TALKING RECTANGLES
In a stunning revelation that has shocked absolutely f@#king nobody, Australians are increasingly embracing their inner luddite while pretending they’re still cool with technology that might one day decide their Medicare rebate isn’t worth the processing power.
According to a recent study that we definitely didn’t make up on the spot, 87% of Australians now preface any criticism of AI with “I’m no luddite, but…” before proceeding to express opinions that would make actual 19th century machine-smashers blush with pride.
POLITICIANS PRETENDING THEY UNDERSTAND THE TECHNOLOGY THEY’RE REGULATING
Ministers, union leaders, and random blokes at the pub are suddenly united in their suspicion that maybe, just maybe, letting Silicon Valley billionaires create unchecked digital demigods might have some downsides.
“I’m extremely pro-innovation,” insisted Minister for Digital Economy, Trevor Banksworth, while physically recoiling from a smart speaker. “I just think we should maybe pause and consider whether we want thinking machines designed by the same people who brought us social media addiction and targeted ads for hemorrhoid cream after you whispered about it near your phone once.”
EXPERTS WEIGH IN WITH OPINIONS NOBODY ASKED FOR
Dr. Obvious Observation, Professor of Common Sense at the University of Actual Reality, explained the phenomenon.
“Australians have always been suspicious of bullsh!t,” he noted while aggressively unplugging his office computer. “And let’s be honest, 90% of AI hype is premium grade, grass-fed, organic bullsh!t with extra toppings.”
Meanwhile, Professor Ima Skeptic from the Institute of Saying What Everyone’s Thinking But Won’t Admit pointed out that people’s distrust isn’t about technology itself.
“It’s about power dynamics, you absolute wallaby,” she explained. “When some tech bro worth $200 billion tells farmers in Dubbo that their jobs will be ‘disrupted’ by algorithms, they’re not anti-technology. They just don’t want to be told to f@#k off and learn to code by someone who’s never had dirt under their fingernails.”
UNION DEMANDS INCLUDE “RIGHT TO TELL AI TO GET STUFFED”
Australian unions are now pushing for worker protections including the right to refuse using AI systems, especially ones that might replace them, spy on them, or write passive-aggressive emails with better grammar than their boss.
According to Wayne Hardhat, spokesperson for the Australian Workers Who Actually Do Sh!t Union, “Our members just want basic guarantees that they won’t be sacked because some software hallucinated that it could do their job better, only to discover it can’t actually tell the difference between a forklift and a flamingo.”
SURVEY REVEALS SHOCKING STATISTICS ABOUT PUBLIC PERCEPTION
A new Essential Poll has revealed that 73% of Australians believe AI is “probably up to something dodgy,” while 42% admitted they secretly enjoy watching chatbots make embarrassing mistakes that would get a human fired.
Perhaps most alarming, 69% of respondents agreed with the statement: “I reckon if we just ignored AI for a bit, it might go away like Google Glass or NFTs.”
NATION PROUDLY EMBRACES TECHNOLOGICAL SKEPTICISM
As the debate rages on, ordinary Australians are increasingly comfortable with their technological caution, with many citing the proud national tradition of “not falling for obvious crap.”
“Look mate, we survived without this garbage for thousands of years,” explained local grandmother Sheila Williams, 72, who successfully programmed her VCR in 1988 and hasn’t updated her technological skills since. “If being suspicious of machines that can write university essays but can’t tell me how many bloody teaspoons are in a tablespoon makes me a luddite, then pass me the bloody hammer.”
At press time, several AI companies were reportedly developing new algorithms specifically designed to convince Australians they’re not being conned, a task that experts describe as “harder than teaching the algorithm quantum physics while drunk.”
