AUSTRALIANS VOTE TO GET NEWS FROM RANDO CONSPIRACY THEORISTS OVER ACTUAL JOURNALISTS
In a shocking development that has media executives soiling their Armani suits, Australians have officially decided that Brenda from Wollongong’s unhinged Facebook rants are more trustworthy than actual journalists with degrees and sh!t.
UNCLE BOB’S CAPS LOCK RANTS NOW MORE INFLUENTIAL THAN PULITZER PRIZE WINNERS
According to the University of Canberra’s “We’re All F@#ked” Report for 2025, more Aussies now prefer getting their daily dose of world events from algorithms specifically designed to make them angry rather than from people who actually investigate facts for a living.
Television news still clings desperately to relevance at 37%, up a pathetic 1% from last year, which experts describe as “the statistical equivalent of a participation trophy.”
“This represents a fundamental shift in how society processes information,” explains Professor Irene Levernooze of the Institute for Obvious Conclusions. “Australians have basically decided that Karen’s wine-fueled TikTok conspiracy theories about government weather machines are more compelling than researched journalism. We’re completely f@#ked.”
THE YOUTH PREFER THEIR PROPAGANDA WITH A SICK BEAT
Young Australians are increasingly turning to TikTok and Instagram for news, preferring their global catastrophes packaged in 15-second clips with trendy music overlays.
“Why read a nuanced 2,000-word analysis when you can watch a teenager dance while bullet points about nuclear proliferation flash behind them?” asks Dr. Sum Boomer, 58, who still gets the newspaper delivered like it’s 1982.
Studies show that 94.7% of young people can name every dance trend but only 3% can identify their local member of Parliament. This statistic is entirely made up but feels correct enough that you nodded while reading it.
AI CHATBOTS NOW RESPONSIBLE FOR 5% OF MISINFORMED OPINIONS
In perhaps the most disturbing finding, one in 20 Australians now ask AI chatbots for news, essentially outsourcing their critical thinking to silicon-based sentence generators created by the same tech companies who sold their personal data to advertisers.
“I just ask my digital oracle what I should think about complex geopolitical situations,” said Sydney resident Terry Truthseeking, 42. “It’s much easier than forming my own opinions, and it leaves me more time to argue with strangers in comment sections.”
When reached for comment, Facebook CEO Mark Zuckerberg simply replied, “Everything is proceeding according to plan,” before dissolving into a puddle of binary code.
JOURNALISTS CONSIDER NEW CAREER PATHS
Traditional media outlets are reportedly responding to the findings by adding more dancing, conspiracy theories, and outright lies to their content.
“We’re considering just making sh!t up entirely,” admitted Channel 9 executive Lindsay Clickworthy. “Facts clearly don’t matter anymore, so we might as well join the party before we all lose our f@#king jobs.”
At press time, 73% of Australians believed that this article was written by a human being with actual journalistic standards rather than just some random bullsh!t generator optimized to keep their eyeballs glued to screens until they die. The system works!
