MAN PURCHASES DATABASE OF YOUR MOST EMBARRASSING INFORMATION TO HELP OUR NEW DIGITAL OVERLORDS SELL YOU SH!T BETTER
Salesforce CEO Marc Benioff today announced his company has purchased Informatica for $18.2 billion, noting that “collecting every single data point about your sad little existence is absolutely crucial” for what he called the company’s “next beautiful phase of sweet, sweet AI-driven profit extraction.”
WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED TO JUST WRITING THINGS DOWN ON PAPER
Industry experts note that this acquisition means Salesforce now possesses a comprehensive data management platform that will enable the company to organize, integrate, and utilize customer information in ways that “basically make George Orwell look like a f@#king optimist.”
“This is wonderful news for stakeholders,” explained Dr. Selma Soul, Professor of Ethical Compromises at the Institute for Profitable Morality. “By ‘stakeholders,’ I of course mean ‘shareholders,’ not the billions of humans whose digital shadows will be harvested like organs from unwitting donors.”
YOUR DATA IS BEING PASSED AROUND LIKE A JOINT AT A COLLEGE PARTY, EXCEPT NOBODY’S HAVING FUN
The acquisition will allow Salesforce to integrate Informatica’s data management capabilities into its existing suite of products, including CRM, Tableau, MuleSoft, and what insiders refer to as “Project Know-Everything-About-Everyone-Forever.”
Financial analyst Penny Pincher praised the move: “For just $18.2 billion, Salesforce has purchased the ability to know which brand of toilet paper you prefer AND why your last relationship failed. That’s what I call value!”
THE TERMS “PRIVACY” AND “CONSENT” HAVE BEEN DISCONTINUED DUE TO LACK OF INTEREST
Salesforce engineers are reportedly working around the clock to ensure that Informatica’s data management capabilities can be seamlessly integrated with their “definitely not sentient but weirdly judgy” AI systems.
“We’re not just collecting data,” explained Benioff in a press conference where reporters noted his pupils had been replaced with dollar signs. “We’re creating a living, breathing ecosystem where every click, purchase, and awkward Google search you’ve ever made comes together to form a complete picture of you as a walking, talking potential revenue stream.”
CONGRATULATIONS, YOU’RE NOW LESS A PERSON AND MORE A COLLECTION OF MONETIZABLE TENDENCIES
According to a completely made-up study by the Totally Real Research Institute, 97.3% of consumers are “absolutely thrilled” about having their entire existence reduced to data points that can be analyzed by algorithms designed to extract maximum profit from their human frailties.
“I used to worry about making decisions,” said Average Consumer #429B-7, “but now my friendly neighborhood algorithm tells me what to want before I even know I want it! Last week it suggested I divorce my wife and marry a toaster. The toaster has better credit, apparently.”
WE’VE REPLACED YOUR FUTURE WITH A PREDICTIVE MODEL; SPOILER ALERT: IT INVOLVES BUYING MORE STUFF
When asked about privacy concerns, Salesforce’s newly appointed Chief Data Philosopher, Dr. Watt Isthebigdeal, responded: “Privacy? What an adorably vintage concept! Next you’ll be asking about your ‘right’ to ‘thoughts’ that haven’t been ‘optimized for conversion’!”
The acquisition is expected to close by early next year, assuming the heat death of human autonomy proceeds according to schedule. In a final statement, Benioff assured users that “your data will be treated with the utmost respect and care, much like how a diamond miner respects and cares about diamonds while separating them from their natural environment forever.”
At press time, 74% of the people reading this article were already getting targeted ads for anxiety medication and books about digital minimalism, proving once and for all that resistance is not just futile, but extremely unprofitable.
