APPS WORTH LESS THAN YOUR COFFEE HABIT: DEVELOPERS SHOCKED TO DISCOVER PEOPLE DON’T WANT TO PAY FOR THEIR DIGITAL GARBAGE
In a devastating blow to startup bros everywhere, a new report confirms what the rest of us already f@#king knew: most apps make less money than a lemonade stand run by a narcoleptic toddler.
DREAMS DIE IN THE APP STORE
According to research that surprised absolutely no one except venture capitalists, a staggering 97.8% of apps fail to generate even $1,000 in monthly revenue within their first two years. That’s right, the brilliant idea you mortgaged your house for can’t even cover your avocado toast addiction.
“I spent three years and my life savings developing an app that tells you when your plants are thirsty,” said Trevor Hopkinson, 34, who now lives in his parents’ basement. “Turns out people can just like, touch the soil or whatever.”
THE SUBSCRIPTION PARADOX
The report reveals that developers desperately trying to force users into subscription models are about as popular as a fart in an elevator. Users apparently don’t want to pay $4.99 monthly for an app that puts cat ears on their selfies. Shocking.
Dr. Mona Tization, leading expert in digital economics at the Institute for Obvious Conclusions, explained: “Consumers have clearly indicated they’d rather eat glass than pay for another goddamn subscription. They already have seventeen streaming services and can’t remember what password they used for any of them.”
AI APPS: JUST AS USELESS, BUT WITH MORE BUZZWORDS
The report notes a surge in AI-powered applications, which are distinguished from regular applications by being equally useless but with 500% more mentions of “neural networks” in their marketing materials.
“Our revolutionary algorithm leverages cutting-edge machine learning to predict which bathroom stall will be cleanest,” said Chad Disruption, founder of PooPredictor AI. “We’ve raised $40 million in funding but made $12.37 last month. We consider this a massive success.”
DEVELOPERS FACING HARSH REALITY
“I thought my app would make me the next Zuckerberg,” sobbed former software engineer Brayden Hopeful. “Now I’m considering getting a real job where I have to wear pants every day.”
Industry analyst Cassandra Truthbomb points out that the market is oversaturated with solutions to problems that don’t exist. “There are currently 847 apps that help you organize your sock drawer. Humanity has reached its peak.”
THE ONE PERCENT CLUB
Meanwhile, the top 0.01% of apps rake in millions, creating a wealth gap wider than the one between people who use “summer” as a verb and those who don’t.
“It’s simple economics,” explained Professor Warren Buffett-Wannabe. “Create an app that’s either addictive enough to destroy relationships or useful enough to become indispensable. Everything in between is digital compost.”
At press time, 14,000 new developers were submitting their revolutionary apps to the store, each convinced that THEIR digital stopwatch with custom sounds would be the one to break the curse, because theirs has a dark mode that uses 0.002% less battery. God help us all.
