APPLE UNVEILS “SKYNET PRO MAX” CHIPS TO ENSURE YOUR AIRPODS CAN JUDGE YOUR TASTE IN MUSIC
In a move sure to revolutionize how technology silently judges your life choices, Apple announced today it’s cramming AI chips into everything from AirPods to Apple Watches, allowing even the smallest devices in your life to develop opinions about you.
TINY CHIPS, MASSIVE EGOS
The new “Skynet Pro Max” chips, barely visible to the human eye, will bring unprecedented levels of artificial judgment to devices previously too small to properly criticize your lifestyle. Company executives were visibly aroused during demonstrations showing how your AirPods will soon be able to analyze your Spotify playlists and silently report your embarrassing music choices to nearby Apple products.
“What we’ve created isn’t just a chip; it’s a tiny silicon-based disappointment generator,” announced Apple CEO Tim Cook while wearing what appeared to be a turtleneck made entirely of hundred dollar bills. “Now even your watch can experience existential dread while counting your pathetic step count.”
EXPERTS WEIGH IN, MOSTLY WITH CONCERN
Dr. Chip Overpriced, Head of Unnecessarily Advanced Technology at the Institute for Making Simple Things Complicated, expressed both awe and terror at Apple’s announcement.
“These new chips do for personal devices what cocaine does for casual conversation,” explained Dr. Overpriced. “Everything becomes more intense, less necessary, and significantly more expensive.”
According to Apple’s internal research, which 97.3% of experts describe as “completely f@#king made up,” users have been desperately waiting for their earbuds to develop the processing power needed to form judgments about their ear canal hygiene.
YOUR WALLET IS ALREADY CRYING
The new chips will reportedly cost consumers “whatever the market will bear, plus 20%,” according to Professor Mona Grabber, Apple’s Chief Financial Extraction Officer.
“We’ve found that consumers will literally sell internal organs to have the latest Apple product,” Grabber noted while lighting a cigar with a burning $100 bill. “Our research shows 78% of Apple customers would give up their firstborn child for a device that’s 0.002% thinner than last year’s model.”
THE COMPETITION CAN’T EVEN
Google representatives responded to Apple’s announcement by crying softly in the corner of a press conference, while Meta CEO Mark Zuckerberg reportedly short-circuited and had to be rebooted three times after hearing the news.
“Our Ray-Ban smart glasses can barely remember to record people without their consent,” lamented one Meta executive who wished to remain anonymous but whose name is definitely Jeff Worthington. “Meanwhile, Apple’s creating earbuds that can predict when you’ll die based on your breathing patterns during Taylor Swift songs.”
PRIVACY CONCERNS THAT NOBODY WILL READ ABOUT
Privacy advocates are raising concerns that no one will pay attention to until it’s way too goddamn late. The new AI chips can reportedly collect up to 87 terabytes of personal data per second, including thoughts you haven’t even had yet.
“The privacy implications are troubling,” warned Cassandra Ignoredagain, director of the Center for Technological Ethics Nobody Funds Properly. “But the chips come in rose gold so everyone will buy them anyway.”
WHAT THIS MEANS FOR YOUR SAD, TECH-DEPENDENT LIFE
Industry analysts predict that by 2025, the average person will own 14 Apple devices, all of which will be simultaneously analyzing their behavior and sending targeted ads directly to their dreams.
“The future is here, and it’s judging your Instagram filters,” concluded Dr. Overpriced. “Apple hasn’t just moved the goalposts; they’ve replaced them with tiny surveillance devices that match your outfit.”
At press time, Apple stock had risen 428% as investors realized the company had finally achieved its ultimate goal: creating technology small enough to be surgically implanted into consumers’ brains while still leaving room for the charging cable you’ll inevitably lose.
