TECH GODS UNVEIL NEW “LIQUID GLASS” DESIGN, DEVELOPERS IMMEDIATELY LIQUIDATE SAVINGS ON THERAPY
Apple’s annual gathering of devoted acolytes, WWDC, concluded with the unveiling of their “Liquid Glass” design language, proving once again that the company can make billions by slightly changing how a f@#king rectangle looks.
DIGITAL DISCIPLES WEEP WITH JOY
Thousands of developers, many of whom haven’t seen sunlight since the last iOS update, erupted in tears as Apple executives announced the revolutionary design change that will force them to rebuild their apps from scratch for the fifteenth time in seven years.
“It’s so beautiful,” sobbed Martin Codebrain, a 34-year-old developer who remortgaged his house to attend. “Finally, my buttons can look like they’re made of liquid glass, which is definitely something users have been desperately demanding.”
According to a completely fabricated survey, 99.7% of iPhone users couldn’t give two sh!ts about design language changes but will still spend $1,400 on a new phone because their current one is “getting kind of old.”
ARTIFICIAL INTELLIGENCE OR ARTIFICIAL INTELLIGENCE?
The highlight of the keynote was Apple’s new AI tools, which the company insists are definitely not just catching up to what Google and Microsoft did three years ago.
“Our revolutionary Apple Intelligence API uses cutting-edge algorithms to determine the precise moment when your credit card can handle another Apple purchase,” explained Dr. Cash Register, Apple’s Senior Vice President of Taking Your Money.
The new AI tools will allow developers to create apps that can automatically generate excuses for why you need the latest iPhone, predict which dongles you’ll need to buy next, and identify the exact psychological triggers that make you feel inadequate without Apple’s latest product.
DEVELOPERS FACE NEW REALITY
Industry analysts note that 86% of developers will spend the next six months learning entirely new frameworks that Apple will abandon in 2026.
“This is tremendous news for the energy drink and antidepressant industries,” noted Professor Obvious Observation from the Institute of Predictable Outcomes. “Nothing boosts the economy like forcing thousands of highly skilled professionals to completely relearn their jobs annually.”
One developer, who wished to remain anonymous for fear of being banned from the App Store forever, said: “I just finished updating my app for their last ‘revolutionary’ design change. My wife has forgotten what I look like. My children call the framed photograph of me ‘that strange man.’ But sure, let’s add some f@#king liquid glass effects.”
VISION OS: SEEING IS BANKRUPTING
The company also unveiled new tools for visionOS 26, their operating system for a headset that costs more than the average monthly mortgage payment.
“We’ve made it incredibly easy for developers to create immersive experiences where users can see their bank accounts drain in stunning 3D,” said Ima Profiteer, Apple’s Director of Extended Realities and Extended Credit Lines.
According to sources familiar with developer sentiment but who don’t actually exist, programmers are thrilled about the opportunity to spend thousands of hours creating apps for a platform with the same number of users as people who’ve actually read Apple’s terms of service.
At press time, 97% of excited developers were reportedly googling “how to make apps look like liquid glass” while simultaneously updating their LinkedIn profiles and wondering if it’s too late to become plumbers.
