APPLE’S ‘GROUNDBREAKING’ AI FEATURES REVEALED TO BE SIRI FINALLY UNDERSTANDING YOUR F@#KING ACCENT
In what tech analysts are calling “the most overhyped disappointment since Y2K,” Apple unveiled its revolutionary AI features Monday that amount to little more than Siri finally being able to understand what the hell you’re saying after 13 years of trying.
LIQUID GLASS: BECAUSE “TRANSPARENT ALUMINUM” WAS ALREADY TAKEN BY STAR TREK
Apple’s much-anticipated WWDC keynote showcased their new “Liquid Glass” design, which executives insist is “nothing like Android’s interface from 2018” despite 97% of attendees suffering immediate déjà vu. The revolutionary design allegedly took 142 engineers working around the clock to make icons slightly more translucent.
“We’ve completely reimagined transparency,” declared Apple CEO Tim Cook, while standing in front of what appeared to be a Windows Vista screenshot. “Nobody has ever seen anything like this, assuming they’ve been in a coma since 2007.”
APPLE INTELLIGENCE: CATCHING UP TO 2019 TECHNOLOGY IN 2025
The company proudly unveiled “Apple Intelligence,” featuring groundbreaking technology that Android users have been enjoying since the Obama administration. The crown jewel? Live translation – a feature Google has offered since approximately the Mesozoic Era.
Dr. Obvious Progress, head of Apple’s Innovation Theater Department, explained: “We waited until translation technology was absolutely perfect before implementing it, which is why it only works on words beginning with consonants and only in languages spoken by our board members.”
WORKOUT BUDDY: BECAUSE BEING JUDGED BY REAL HUMANS WASN’T ENOUGH
Apple’s new fitness app, Workout Buddy, uses an AI-generated voice to harass you during exercise sessions. The company demonstrated five customizable voice options, ranging from “Disappointed Parent” to “Drill Sergeant With Abandonment Issues.”
“Users can select different emotional trauma triggers depending on their fitness goals,” explained Fitness Experience Director Karen Judgington. “Our research shows people work out 87% harder when they believe a disembodied voice is silently judging their body fat percentage.”
WHAT WASN’T ANNOUNCED: ACTUAL F@#KING INNOVATION
Conspicuously absent from Apple’s presentation was anything remotely resembling cutting-edge AI. While competitors like Google and Microsoft have been integrating advanced generative AI into everything from email composition to nightmare fuel image generators, Apple seems content with teaching Siri how to finally understand the phrase “Call Mom” without dialing your ex-boyfriend.
Tech analyst Professor Idon Tcare noted, “Apple’s approach to AI is like watching your grandparent discover emojis – adorably behind the curve but convinced they’ve mastered technology.”
EXPERTS QUESTION APPLE’S AI STRATEGY
“This is classic Apple,” explained Silicon Valley insider Hugh Jassessment. “Step 1: Let everyone else develop and test new technology. Step 2: Wait until people forget who invented it. Step 3: Claim you reinvented it. Step 4: Charge triple.”
Internal documents leaked to AI Antics reveal that 73% of Apple’s AI budget was actually spent on finding new ways to make sure your charger from last year won’t work with this year’s devices.
CONCLUSION: INNOVATION THROUGH LOWERCASE i’S
As the WWDC audience applauded features Android users have had since the first Trump administration, Apple executives reportedly high-fived backstage over successfully convincing people that adding a lowercase “i” to existing technology constitutes innovation.
When asked for comment about Apple’s cautious AI approach, Siri responded by playing “Despacito” and ordering 47 pounds of cat litter.
