APPLE TO REPLACE GOOGLE SEARCH WITH “LEGALLY DISTINCT HALLUCINATION GENERATOR”
CUPERTINO, Calif. — In what tech analysts are calling a “digital middle finger wrapped in a $20 billion contract,” Apple announced plans to replace Google Search in Safari with its own AI-powered guessing machine that will deliver results with “unprecedented confidence and occasional accuracy.”
THE END OF AN ERA, THE BEGINNING OF WHATEVER THE F@#K THIS IS
During Google’s antitrust trial, Apple’s senior vice president of services Eddy Cue revealed the company’s strategy while apparently experiencing some kind of public existential crisis.
“Why search for answers when an AI can just make sh!t up with the conviction of your drunk uncle at Thanksgiving?” Cue reportedly whispered to himself before addressing the court. “Our users crave the illusion of efficiency more than actual factual information.”
REVOLUTIONARY TECHNOLOGY THAT TOTALLY ISN’T JUST SIRI WITH A FACELIFT
The new system, tentatively called “iGuess,” promises to deliver search results that are “technically not wrong but also not necessarily right,” creating what Apple describes as a “quantum state of information” where all answers exist simultaneously until you click on them.
Dr. Reese Ults, head of Apple’s Department of Things That Sound Like Progress, explained: “Traditional search engines find information that actually exists. How boring! Our technology will create brand new facts tailored specifically to each user’s confirmation biases.”
USERS THRILLED ABOUT HAVING EVEN LESS PRIVACY SOMEHOW
In consumer testing, 87% of Apple users expressed excitement about trading whatever microscopic shreds of privacy they still possessed for the convenience of getting incorrect information 3.7 seconds faster.
“I used to worry about Google knowing everything about me,” said Sarah Johnson, a 34-year-old graphic designer and digital masochist. “Now Apple’s AI will know everything about me AND make up new things about me I never knew! It’s like having a stalker who’s also a pathological liar. So convenient!”
GOOGLE EXECUTIVES FOUND WEEPING IN DATA CENTER
When reached for comment, Google CEO Sundar Pichai was reportedly discovered in the fetal position surrounded by server racks, muttering “but we have the actual answers” while clutching a printout of the company’s search market share.
Industry expert Professor Monopoly Breaker noted, “Google spent decades creating a search engine that actually works. Apple’s bold strategy of ‘what if it didn’t have to?’ is the kind of innovation that keeps Silicon Valley thriving.”
FINANCIAL IMPLICATIONS DESCRIBED AS “LOL WHO CARES”
Wall Street analysts predict the move could cost Google up to $20 billion in annual revenue, which Apple plans to immediately convert into slightly thinner iPhone bezels and dongles that convert dongles into other dongles.
“The financial impact is secondary to our primary mission of making simple tasks unnecessarily complicated while convincing consumers it’s an improvement,” explained Apple CFO Luca Maestri, while demonstrating how the new search feature requires exactly seven gesture combinations and facial expressions to activate.
According to studies that definitely weren’t conducted in Apple’s imagination, 94% of users prefer having their basic questions answered by a silicon-based probability engine rather than accurate search results, especially when delivered with the smug self-assurance that has become Apple’s trademark.
At press time, early tests of the system showed promising results, with searches for “weather tomorrow” returning everything from accurate forecasts to recipes for blueberry muffins to elaborate conspiracy theories about cloud formations, all presented with the same level of absolute certainty that can only come from a machine that has no concept of shame or consequences.
