APPLE PANIC-BUYS AI AFTER DISCOVERING SIRI STILL THINKS TUPAC IS ALIVE
In a desperate move that screams “we f@#ked up,” Apple executives are frantically shopping for AI upgrades after discovering their decade-old virtual assistant still believes flip phones are “cutting edge technology” and routinely suggests users “Ask Jeeves” for difficult questions.
CUPERTINO’S CRYING GAME
Industry insiders reveal Apple has been secretly testing Anthropic’s Claude and OpenAI models after an emergency meeting where Siri was asked to explain blockchain and responded by playing “Block Party” by Lisa Stansfield and ordering Chinese takeout.
“We’ve reached DEFCON 1 levels of embarrassment,” whispered an Apple executive who requested anonymity but whose email signature included his full name, home address, and mother’s maiden name. “When we asked Siri who won the 2024 election, she confidently answered ‘George W. Bush’ and then played the Macarena.”
EXPERTS WEIGH IN WHILE TRYING NOT TO LAUGH
Dr. Obvio Uslee, Chief Technology Officer at Competence Consultants Inc., explained the situation while openly snickering: “Apple spent years pushing the ‘privacy first’ narrative when in reality, they were just covering up the fact that Siri’s brain is essentially a Magic 8-Ball connected to a Wikipedia page from 2011.”
Professor Tech Splainer from the Institute of Saying What Everyone Already Knows added, “This is like discovering your high-performance sports car has been powered by hamsters running on tiny wheels all along.”
EMPLOYEES REVOLT, DEMAND SOMETHING THAT ACTUALLY WORKS
Sources within Apple report that 87% of employees have disabled Siri on their own devices after the assistant began responding to all requests with “I’m sorry, Dave. I’m afraid I can’t do that” followed by “Just kidding! I actually don’t know how to do anything useful at all!”
“We’ve been pretending Siri is just ‘privacy-focused’ when the truth is she’s dumber than a box of particularly stupid rocks,” admitted a senior Apple developer who now works exclusively with Android phones hidden inside iPhone cases. “Last week she told me the capital of France was ‘croissant’ with 96% confidence.”
THE DESPERATE PARTNERSHIP HUNT
Apple CEO Tim Cook has reportedly been seen wandering Silicon Valley with a trench coat full of cash, whispering “Psst, got any of that artificial intelligence?” to startups. The company has allegedly offered OpenAI “more money than God” and Anthropic “all the souls of our first-born children plus unlimited Apple TV+ subscriptions.”
A leaked internal memo revealed the company’s new AI strategy: “Step 1: Buy someone else’s technology. Step 2: Put it in a shiny white box. Step 3: Charge double.”
USERS SURPRISINGLY UNFAZED
In a survey of Apple users, 94% responded “Siri can do things?” when asked about the assistant’s capabilities, while the remaining 6% admitted they only use it to set timers for pasta.
Marketing materials are already being prepared for the eventual partnership, with slogans including “Now with an AI that didn’t peak in 2012” and “Finally, an assistant that knows who the current president is.”
As Apple frantically negotiates with actual AI companies, insiders report Siri’s response to being replaced was simply “I’m sorry, I didn’t quite get that. Would you like me to search the web for ‘Please siree place mint’?”
