MAN ALLOWS ENTIRE STRANGE CULT TO RUMMAGE THROUGH HIS BRAIN, CALLS IT “PROGRESS”
In a move that can only be described as “giving your house keys to people who’ve been peeping through your windows,” Apple announced plans to let random developers access its on-device AI models at next year’s WWDC, effectively inviting thousands of strangers to poke around inside your digital consciousness.
THE DIGITAL EQUIVALENT OF LEAVING YOUR DIARY OPEN ON THE BUS
Starting in 2025, Apple will graciously permit app developers to stick their greedy little fingers into the very same AI system that already knows when you’re taking a sh!t based on your holding patterns. This bold strategy aims to “expand Apple Intelligence features,” which is corporate-speak for “find new ways to make you dependent on technology that judges your life choices.”
“We’re really excited about letting complete strangers access the neural pathways we’ve built into your digital existence,” said Tim Cook’s beard in an exclusive statement. “It’s like inviting the neighborhood kids to reorganize your underwear drawer. What could possibly go wrong?”
EXPERTS WEIGH IN WITH OBVIOUS CONCERNS
Dr. Privacy Isdead, head researcher at the Institute for Telling You What You Already Know, expressed mild concern about the development.
“Giving developers access to on-device AI is basically like letting your therapist live-tweet your sessions, except you never actually agreed to therapy in the first place,” explained Dr. Isdead while frantically covering all his device cameras with duct tape.
Professor Wanda Sellmore of the Marketing Over Morality Department at Capitalism University was considerably more enthusiastic. “This represents an unprecedented opportunity to harvest users’ deepest thoughts and desires without the messy business of actually asking for permission,” she gushed while dollar signs literally replaced her pupils.
THE INNOVATION NOBODY ASKED FOR
Apple’s decision comes after exhaustive research showing that an astonishing 0.003% of users were clamoring for more AI features in their daily lives. The remaining 99.997% were reportedly just hoping their phones would stop autocorrecting “fucking” to “ducking” and maybe last a full day without charging.
The company projects that opening its AI models will result in a 600% increase in apps that tell you you’re not drinking enough water and a 1200% surge in features that passive-aggressively judge your music taste.
WHAT THIS MEANS FOR YOUR INCREASINGLY MEANINGLESS PRIVACY
With this groundbreaking announcement, Apple continues its proud tradition of introducing features nobody requested while simultaneously eroding whatever pitiful scraps of privacy users still cling to like drowning victims to driftwood.
“It’s not like we’re giving developers access to your actual thoughts,” clarified Apple spokesperson Candice B. Realhere. “We’re just giving them access to the digital equivalent of your thoughts, which is totally different for reasons we can’t explain without violating several pending patents.”
The company assures users that all third-party access to their on-device AI will be completely secure, a claim that experts rank somewhere between “the check is in the mail” and “I won’t tell anyone, I promise” on the trustworthiness scale.
At press time, Apple was reportedly considering a premium subscription service that would allow users to opt out of having their digital consciousness fondled by developers for the low price of $29.99 per month plus their firstborn child and a lock of their hair for “verification purposes.”
