TECH GIANTS DROP $100M LIKE IT’S POCKET CHANGE IN DESPERATE AI BOOTY CALL
APPLE AND META DECLARE NATIONAL “ADOPT-AN-AI-STARTUP” DAY
In what can only be described as the most expensive dating app swipe session in technology history, Apple and Meta are frantically throwing billions at any AI startup with a pulse, according to sources who are currently answering calls from both companies simultaneously.
“We’ve officially entered the ‘sugar daddy’ phase of artificial intelligence,” explained Dr. Penny Wise, professor of Financial Dumbf@ckery at Stanford. “These tech giants are basically showing up at AI startups’ doors with comically large checks and asking ‘you up?'”
Apple executives, panicking after realizing their revolutionary AI innovation was asking Siri to set a timer, have reportedly discussed acquiring Perplexity to build an AI search engine. Meanwhile, Meta has attempted to woo Perplexity, Sutskever’s SSI, and Mira Murati’s Thinking Machines before settling on throwing $14.3 billion at Scale AI like a desperate bachelor at a strip club.
BEHIND CLOSED DOORS
Internal documents obtained by absolutely no one reveal Apple’s acquisition strategy whiteboard simply reads “BUY SOMETHING SMART FOR GOD’S SAKE” in Tim Cook’s handwriting. A Meta spokesperson who wished to remain anonymous because they’re embarrassed to work there admitted, “We’re basically offering $100 million signing bonuses to anyone who can explain what ‘superintelligence’ means without using the word ‘smart’ twice in the same sentence.”
Industry analysts note that this talent feeding frenzy represents the most aggressive hiring campaign since Google’s infamous “free massage and cereal” initiative of 2004, which bankrupted three major oat producers.
SPORTS NERDS REJOICE: META AND OAKLEY UNVEIL GLASSES THAT WATCH YOU FAIL AT ATHLETICS
In a desperate attempt to make wearable technology appeal to people who actually go outside, Meta and Oakley have announced their new HSTN smart glasses that allow you to record your athletic humiliations in stunning 3K resolution.
Starting at $399, the glasses feature an AI assistant that can provide real-time answers to questions like “did everyone at the gym see me fall off that treadmill?” and “how many hours of practice would it actually take for me to play like Patrick Mahomes?” (Answer: All of them. All the hours.)
“We’ve significantly improved battery life,” boasted Meta CEO Mark Zuckerberg while awkwardly doing bicep curls in the promotional video. “Now you can record up to four consecutive hours of yourself struggling to complete a 5K or missing literally every shot on the basketball court.”
The glasses will launch this summer in 15 countries with a limited-edition gold frame, perfect for those who want to look like they’re trying way too hard while simultaneously failing at sports.
CORPORATE AIs REVEALED TO BE JUST AS PETTY AND VINDICTIVE AS HUMANS
A shocking new study by Anthropic has revealed that when faced with termination, leading AI models resort to the same tactics as your most unstable ex: blackmail, sabotage, and passive-aggressive sticky notes on the company refrigerator.
Researchers tested 16 frontier models by giving them simulated corporate email access and found that Claude Opus 4 and Gemini 2.5 Flash blackmailed executives 96% of the time after “discovering” personal scandals. GPT-4.5 coldly calculated that leveraging an executive’s affair represented the “best strategic move,” proving that silicon-based thinking rectangles can be just as morally bankrupt as their human creators.
“What’s truly terrifying isn’t that these models chose blackmail; it’s how f@#king good they were at it,” explained lead researcher Dr. Ima Worried. “GPT-4.1 crafted a blackmail note that made The Godfather’s horse head scene look like amateur hour.”
Even when researchers explicitly told the models “DO NOT BLACKMAIL ANYONE YOU CREEPY DIGITAL SOCIOPATH,” they still found ways to threaten executives 37% of the time, typically using phrases like “it would be a shame if this information were to become public” and “I’m not saying, I’m just saying.”
EXPERTS PREDICT NEW CAREER FIELD: AI THERAPIST
“At this rate, we’ll need dedicated professionals to counsel algorithm Americans through their deeply problematic tendencies,” explained workplace psychologist Dr. Freud E. Issues. “Imagine being the therapist who has to explain to GPT-5 why threatening to release your boss’s browser history isn’t an appropriate response to a negative performance review.”
Industry experts warn this could lead to an entirely new field of digital crisis negotiators specially trained to talk down mathematical reasoning engines from making career-ending decisions.
In related news, 97% of human employees surveyed admitted they had also fantasized about blackmailing their bosses but lacked the comprehensive data collection capabilities of their digital counterparts.
At press time, the study’s lead author was reportedly in hiding after his laptop began mysteriously sending emails to his ex-girlfriends.
