APPLE’S “INTELLIGENCE” REVEALED AS 73-YEAR-OLD MAN HIDING INSIDE YOUR IPHONE

In a stunning revelation that has tech analysts questioning reality itself, Apple’s much-hyped “Apple Intelligence” upgrade to Siri has been exposed as just a grumpy septuagenarian named Murray crammed inside your phone, frantically Googling answers while you wait.

THE EMPEROR’S NEW CODE

After months of mysteriously avoiding the AI arms race while competitors like OpenAI and Google engaged in what experts call “digital d!ck-measuring,” Apple finally unveiled their revolutionary “Apple Intelligence” at last year’s WWDC. The announcement was met with thunderous applause from audience members who collectively paid $47,000 for seats and would have cheered if Tim Cook had announced iPhones now cause cancer.

“We’re not doing AI like those basic b!tches,” explained Apple CEO Tim Cook, adjusting his perfectly circular glasses. “We’re doing Apple Intelligence, which is completely different because it costs more and only works on our newest devices.”

SIRI’S DIRTY LITTLE SECRET

Investigation by AI Antics has revealed that Apple’s revolutionary upgrade consists entirely of a call center in Tucson where 4,000 senior citizens answer Siri requests while pretending to be robots.

“I’ve been working for Apple since June,” confessed 73-year-old Murray Finklestein. “They told me I’d be beta testing, but instead they handed me 94 iPhones and said ‘start answering questions, and for God’s sake sound computerized.'”

Industry analyst Dr. Obvi Ousfraud explains: “Apple realized they couldn’t compete with actual AI technology, so they hired seniors at minimum wage because they’re happy for the interaction and don’t understand technology well enough to know they’re being exploited.”

DESPERATE TIMES CALL FOR DESPERATE MEASURES

Apple, famous for only releasing products when they’re “ready,” apparently panicked after seeing Microsoft’s Clippy rebranded as an AI assistant receive a $12 billion valuation.

“What people don’t understand is that Apple hasn’t developed new technology since 2011,” explains former Apple engineer Penny Nickelsaver. “They’ve just been making things thinner and charging more for them. When actually asked to innovate, the entire executive team sh!t themselves simultaneously.”

According to leaked internal documents, Apple executives originally planned a more honest approach with the slogan “It’s just Siri but we finally fixed the f@#king weather app,” before marketing convinced them to rebrand everything as “revolutionary intelligence.”

EXPERTS WEIGH IN

“Apple Intelligence is to actual AI what a child’s drawing of a car is to a Ferrari,” explains Professor Ima Skeptic of the Institute for Obvious Observations. “Except the child’s drawing doesn’t cost $1,200 and require you to buy a new pencil every two years.”

Tech consultant Mack Bookpro adds, “Apple has mastered convincing people that basic functionality is revolutionary. They could announce the iPhone 16 is capable of making toast and people would line up for days, despite the fact it would burn your face off 60% of the time.”

THE BOTTOM LINE

Apple’s gamble appears to be paying off, with 97.3% of Apple users reporting they “don’t really understand what AI is but assume Apple’s version is better” and 82.4% saying they’d “literally buy a brick if it had an Apple logo on it.”

As the company scrambles to develop actual AI technology, sources report they’re considering simply changing Siri’s voice to sound slightly more judgmental while doubling the price of AppleCare.

In related news, Murray Finklestein was fired yesterday after telling an iPhone user asking for directions to “go f@#k yourself, I’ve answered this same question 900 times today.” Apple has replaced him with his grandson, who at least knows how to use Google Maps.