APPLE CEO TIM COOK SELLS COMPANY SOUL TO DIGITAL DEMONS, PROMISES “YOUR IPHONE WILL SOON READ YOUR MIND AND JUDGE YOU FOR IT”
In a move shocking absolutely no one with a functioning brain stem, Apple CEO Tim Cook announced this week that the company responsible for making rectangles that cost more than your car payment is now “open to acquisition deals” in the artificial intelligence sector, because apparently selling kidneys for phone upgrades wasn’t generating enough revenue.
COOK ADMITS COMPANY DESPERATELY SEEKING PERSONALITY
During an earnings call where Cook bragged about a 10% year-over-year revenue growth, the CEO frantically wiped sweat from his brow while explaining that Apple’s strategy is to “acquire companies that align with our values,” which apparently now includes “whatever the f@#k everyone else is doing with AI.”
“We’re not followers,” insisted Cook while simultaneously following every other tech company into the AI abyss. “We’re innovators who innovate by buying other people’s innovations and putting our logo on them.”
EXPERTS QUESTION WHETHER SIRI CAN HANDLE ADVANCED AI WHEN SHE STILL CAN’T UNDERSTAND “CALL MOM”
Industry analysts remain skeptical that Apple, whose current AI assistant Siri frequently responds to weather inquiries by opening Spotify and playing “It’s Raining Men,” is prepared to compete in the advanced AI marketplace.
“Apple entering serious AI is like watching your grandpa try to use TikTok,” explained Dr. Obvious Analysis, Chief Technology Officer at Reality Check Industries. “They’re showing up late to a party that’s already getting raided by the cops.”
APPLE CUSTOMERS EXCITED TO PAY PREMIUM FOR FEATURES EVERYONE ELSE HAD THREE YEARS AGO
Apple loyalists are reportedly thrilled about the prospect of paying $3,999 for AI features that Google and Microsoft users have been enjoying since the Obama administration.
“I can’t wait to spend a month’s rent on whatever Apple calls their version of ChatGPT,” gushed Jennifer Appleton, who has the Apple logo tattooed on both buttcheeks. “They’ll probably call it ‘iThink’ and claim they invented the concept of language itself.”
COOK REVEALS FUTURE PLANS: “YOUR DEVICES WILL KNOW YOU BETTER THAN YOUR THERAPIST”
In what might be the most terrifying statement ever made during a corporate earnings call, Cook hinted that future Apple products would “know users on a deeper level,” presumably including all those 3AM Google searches you definitely don’t want anyone to know about.
“We envision a world where your iPhone knows what you want before you want it,” Cook explained, apparently describing digital stalking as a feature rather than a crime.
According to completely fabricated statistics from the International Institute of Making Sh!t Up, 87% of current Apple users are “enthusiastically terrified” about the prospect of their devices developing sentience.
Professor Ima Skeptic from the Department of Not Buying This Crap at Reality University suggests the move is more about market pressure than innovation: “Apple isn’t pursuing AI because they have some brilliant vision. They’re doing it because their board members are tired of watching their golf buddies get rich off the AI boom.”
In related news, Siri was unavailable for comment as she was busy telling users she “didn’t quite catch that” for the seventeenth consecutive time while simultaneously ordering 47 pounds of mayonnaise from Instacart without permission.
