Apple Scrambles to Cure AI Indigestion, Postpones Serving Its ‘Intelligence’
In a classic blend of suspense and disappointment worthy of a fine Apple keynote, the tech behemoth has announced that its much-ballyhooed “Apple Intelligence” feature has hit a bit of a traffic jam and won’t make its dramatic debut in the initial iOS 18 spectacle slated for September. That’s right, folks—Siri and friends are fashionably late, perhaps caught in the same interdimensional wormhole where Apple’s AirPower went for a joy ride.
Apparently, whipping up advanced AI is slightly more complex than determining which color of iPhone will make Tim Cook look most statesmanlike on stage. In a stunning revelation to nobody, Apple’s AI virtues have joined the illustrious ranks of theater productions that open “at a later date” after everyone frantically re-patches the plot holes. “We just wanted to keep our audience on the edge of their seats a little longer,” said Applestore Genius-turned-press-representative, Ima Notalontoit.
Early adopter tech enthusiasts, also known as ‘the most patient beings in the universe’, have been advised they can experience truncated, beta versions of these features. This means they can play a mini-game called “Call of Delays: Siri’s Revenge” starting this week with the iOS 18.1 beta release. “We’re rolling them out in pieces because everyone loves episodic entertainment, like the endless suspense of finding parking at an Apple Store,” noted Ima Notalontoit with a wink.
Though Apple stock shares a fraternity handshake with epsilon levels, the anticipation has shifted to a more philosophical level. Will Apple fans blink first in their staring contest with Cupertino’s glacial pace? “This fits perfectly with our mantra,” continued Notalontoit. “Why give people a marathon when you can price a series of 5Ks?”
Observers suggest the gentle procrastination dance is a flair exercise showing off Apple’s commitment to the art of the tease, or perhaps a nod to their mantra of releasing not just software, but experiences. “Rushing genius is just not our style,” Tim Cook allegedly mused while signing yet another check to the coffee industry for keeping his amazing developers awake and aware.
Although some hoped Apple Intelligence would make Siri capable enough to retrieve your car keys and solve deep existential queries, the bots’ nonchalance suggests we may pass by 2025 before these become realities. After all, why should AI be any quicker to figure things out than the average teenager?
While Apple signing the White House’s voluntary commitment to safe AI might seem like an optimistic note, insiders confirmed that it’s mostly a pledge to keep Siri from joining the social media influencer career path.
In the meantime, users are advised to entertain themselves by discussing the rollout controversies in harmony with their favorite AirPods, while iPhones trade their artificial intelligence aspirations for more practical, yet equally thrilling updates such as calculating how late everyone will be upon each software update release. Everyone, breathe easy and just remember: the future will arrive when Apple is damn well ready to let it.
